It was a normal enough day. The tour was going well and Nathan had a few hours to work on his own projects and relax. Do nothing but a bit of something too…. The praetor let his shoulders fall, relaxing somewhat. No more interaction, no Titus or Aru or Karran setting off arguements or being aggressive or crazy. No one looking up at him as if he special or something for being able to do paperwork. It wasn’t like he did much.
The Human Pantoran hybrid turned a corner, not noticing incoming footsteps nor the presence of anyone else in the halls until the black haired Arkanian unfortuanate enough to be turning the same corner was already bouncing off of him.
Gold eyes widened, arm reaching out but not in time to actually catch the stranger.
“Are you okay? I’m so sorry, I wasn’t even looking-”
Mikhail was not prepared for the impact with Nathan’s chest. His arms were around his midsection when he connected to the larger man, clutching a tray of data cards to his chest. The corner of the tray was driven directly into his solar plexus, thusly the air once in his lungs was quickly squeezed out. His face didn’t fare too much better, having met with Nathan’s chest. The bounce sent his black glasses flying, somewhere, while the collection of data cards was promptly dropped to scatter between their feet.
Mikhail, for his best effort, remained standing. Mostly. His knees wobbled as he tried to keep his footing, eventually doubling over with his hands on his knees. He made an attempt and pretending his position was to begin collecting the cards, but was quite sluggish to begin bending over to do so.
After a few moments, he reset his breathing and shook his head, blue crystal orb eyes darting up to Nathan for a moment as he grumbled. “Fine.. I’m fine. The… chips.” The Arkanian’s face was one of sheer exhaustion. Bags circled under his eyes, and his normally stylized hair was a bit messy in strands.
At least he was still standing. He’d clearly knocked the breath out of him though, and Nathan cringed at the thought, continuing the stream of apologies. The guy didn’t look in a good state in the first place to be being battered like that.
You **idiot**
Nathan crouched down, helping pick up disks. They were of mechanical note, it was easy enough for Nathan to recognise the piloting manuals after so long on the Voidbreaker, although it was a note easily surpassed. He wasn’t going to bother this poor man even further after slamming into him like that.
Wait there were sunglasses-
“I can find your glasses for you, if you have these- I’m so sorry, I can help with those too, just-” The ramble continued, exhaling heavily with stress before starting the search for the sunglasses. He’d gotten most of the data disks back onto the tray at least, and the glasses would be harder to find-
Had he made the right choice? He didn’t even really ask-
aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
Mikhail waved off the apologies. He was mostly concerned with gathering the remaining data cards, while withholding from putting a hand over his midsection. He wondered for a moment if he’d bruise from that, but focused again on slotting the remaining medical and mechanical cards into the tray.
He lifted it back up, standing with a slight groan under his breath. “The cards are durable, they’ll survive.” He steadied himself against the corner they had both rounded too fast, catching the rest of his breath before casting his shimmering crystalline gaze back up at Nathan. It didn’t occur to him until now just how much the man was rambling about his apology. An eyebrow quirked and his head tilted a bit. With the hand not clutching the tray he combed through his messy hair, slowly working it back into two distinct wing shapes.
“You are.. ok. I am uninjured. The disks will be fine and.. it’s not like I haven’t read most of them already. It’s partially my fault as well, I should have seen.. you coming.” He didn’t really need to mention the imposing height of the other man. “I need to be on my way to the forges, however. Have a.. nice day.”
With that, Mikhail took a slow step around, then past Nathan. Something had him flustered. But the Arkanian pleasantly blamed the sleep deprivation, the temporary lack of air, and his efforts to be kind over any dwindling subconscious thoughts of the larger man’s chest against him or the colorful decals decorating an already handsome man’s face.
To the forges. Wait. He wasn’t waiting.
Nathan hadn’t even found the glasses yet-
The Praetor looked up, guilt paining his expression but choosing to continue the search. It wasn’t ok, but he’d heard such statements enough over the last year or so to understand that it meant continuing was.. wrong. It invalidated the other persons feelings. Nathan took a slow breath in, and another out.
Within a few minutes he found where the sunglasses had scattered off too, much further than they should have. Especially considering they weren’t even broken. At least there was that.
Feeling.. admittedly a little creepy, Nathan followed the path to the forges. He took his time, not wanting to come off the way he felt like he was being. It was just returning a lost item. That.. he made him lose.
stupid schutta
He swallowed hard upon reaching the forges, and once there it didn’t take long to hear one of the few active forges. They were usually a favourite place for many students, but with many new classes starting and a lot of introductory classes being run it was one of the few times of year the academy forges weren’t inundated. This made it easy to spot the Arkanian having had time to change. It was.. form fitting.
Nathan died a little inside and focused on the task at hand, clearing his throat to announce presence and being sure to hold up the glasses-
Oh. He.. had had a spare.
It would be hard to see past the varying lighting in the room, but the skin under his crescents turned a pale shade of purple.
“I… um.. found your glasses.”
Mikhail had indeed changed, shucking his fancy layered jacket and undershirt for a tight white tank top that’s already been stained with a blurry streak of soot. His skin shone with a thin layer of sweat, caused by the heating jet lit infront of him. It was currently focused on a shining plate of metal, heating it deep red and bright white. A color that caused the Arkanian to squint through his glasses at as it was far too hot for heat sensitive eyes to handle. Luckily, the need for his blinders also gave him a bit of an edge in seeing if the plate was evenly heated.
As Nathan gathered himself to get Mikhail’s attention, the plate was moved from the fire to a metal block, where it was promptly hammer into a slow curve. The shorter man seemed lean, muscular to a degree that was reflected in his work with the metal and hammer. But he was far from bulky.
As Nathan’s throat cleared, the pinging hammering stopped as Mikhail turned his hips to look over at the source. After a few beats the hammer was lowered, the plate and tongs holding them set safely down. He then hit a dial, turning the heating jet down to minimum before turning to full face the part Pantoran. He plucked an older looking pair of glasses from his face as he took a few steps to meet the man. “You found them? … Thank you. These work but.. they are prescription. I don’t need that prescription anymore.”
He stopped a few feet from Nathan and set the glasses he had down. He then lifted the bottom hem of his shirt and lifted it to wipe sweat and a bit of soot from his face, inadvertently giving the larger man a better view of his slim figure, sheened with minor sweat.
“Glad I could help all things considered. Especially if you’re using the forges. Wouldn’t be easy to.. well. You know.”
Well there goes any scrap of dignity you could even attempted to maintain. Who tells someone about how their own eyes work?!
It didn’t help that he was getting flustered, forcing his eyes off to the side as the Arkanian lifted his shirt. Why? Not important really. It was weird and not good timing. Maybe he should leave but it’d worse to just turn and go now. Dammit-
“Sorry. Again.”
He cringed internally. Again. The urge to apologise for being a wreck rose but he managed to stifle that one down, and prepared to take a step back even as he held the sunglasses out.
Mikhail wiped his cheek, shirt gliding over the crystal pattern that seemed to glow in the slightly darker than average room. It moved strangely as he did, shifting in a kaleidoscope effect as he straightened and released his shirt. It fell back into place as he gingerly lifted the glasses from Nathan’s hand. His knuckles gently brushing blue fingers as he inspected them. They didn’t seem damaged, which was good.
He blew on them, making sure there was no dust and simultaneously quelling an urge to decontaminate them. The Arkanian then fitted them back over his face, adjusting them so they hid most of his crystal eyes, allowing him to peek over the top of them up at Nathan.
The awkwardness wasn’t Totally missed on Mikhail, but he couldn’t place the reason for it. He stood there for a second, inspecting the man before settling on a decision. He had been kind to Mikhail, going so far as to return lost glasses all the way across the building.
“Thank you. You needn’t apologize any further, I understand you did not mean to run into me.” He waited for a moment before extending his hand, offering what seemed to be a shake. “Mikhail Kadnikov.” He squashed an urge to cringe at the family name, staying firm in the offer.
Oh. Handshake. Yes, polite normal interaction. Motions.
Apart from the mometary hesistation, more so surprise, from the greeting Nathan reached out to shake the hand, “Nathan Breeze.” The half-Pantoran didn’t recognise the Kadnikov name. It sounded somewhat familiar, but it wasn’t one he knew. Probably just similar to something else he’d heard once.
Should he have said his title? No.. Well. He was in the academy, was this lying? But if he outright said he was the praetor that would this entire thing weirder. Nathan decided against it, though it did cross his mind that people could actually look his name up.
Hopefully Mikhail hadn’t.
Once they’d shook hands, he spoke again, “It’s good to.. meet you.”
Those crystal eyes widened slightly at the name. “Mr. Breeze.. as in Praetor Breeze? Praetor to Headmistress Alethia?” Mikhail’s posture changed, back straightening as he assumed the well trained at attention stance of a First Order Officer.
He suddenly felt a little underdressed, but only showed it in a slight purse of his lips. “It’s a pleasure to meet you as well, Sir. I did not expect to.. run into someone important today. I apologize for my current state. It will improve next we meet.” His words came from an obviously Quite strict background in military professionalism. His eyes remained firmly upon Nathan’s face, tracking the orange colorations there, drifting between those, his eyes, and jaw line. He seems to be committing the praetors face to memory. At least, that’s what he told himself.
Somehow despite the flush returning to Nathan’s face it paled simultaneously. The pastel blue muted by his human heritage leaning some shades further from that of a Pantoran.
It.. made sense. But also gosh darn-
“You, really don’t need to worry about it- please.” Nathan withdrew his hand, holding both palms up but only at his stomach, cringing back.
“Its really- its not a big deal.” His eyes cast to the ground, grimacing slightly. Nathan knew he should be proud of his position. He was grateful for it. But really it should have gone to someone else who actually fulfilled it. And moments like these…
Well anyone else would have just suaved their way through.
pathetic
He swallowed, pushing himself to at least make eye contact and smile. “I’d rather not.. be treated different.”
Mikhail’s head tilts slightly. It was a respectable opinion. But he also seemed.. inexperienced. “Do you not believe you deserve to be? I would assume you are greatly capable, being in the position you are.” Perhaps it was simply a lack of confidence that caused his reactions up to this point. Cute. The thought immediately drew the Arkanian’s eyebrows together, but he quickly shook it off.
“At the very least.. I know you are a good man.” He nodded slightly, referring to the returned glasses. “What would you prefer me to call you, Sir?” His voice was less formal now. He softened it, as if he was trying not to spook a wild animal. The tone much more inviting as his shoulders relaxed a bit. A soft, almost amused smile drew at his lips in response to Nathan’s effort.
The assumption didn’t help thr tightness in his chest. Nor the fact his heartbeat was audible in his ears. Focus on the easy things and dodge the question. He didn’t have to answer every question, that was one thing he had learned since joining the brotherhood.
It was easier with the posturing reducing down, and while being called sir was still a gut punch it wasn’t as bad as the first one. “Just Nathan is fine. Thank you.”
“Well, Nathan, I appreciate you going out of your way to help me. Even if it was guilt driven.” He relaxes his arms behind his back, letting them hang a little more loosely behind him. He looked around the room for a few moments, then back at his station, which was covered in pieces of metal armor with wires and micro gears exposed.
“Is there.. something I can do you for, Nathan?” His bright blue eyes returned to the half Pantorans, glowing admits the light smoke in the air.
Nathan’s eyes had lingered to the ongoing work. It was of interest, but he wouldn’t intrude.
“No, I’ll stop intruding on your research.” He laughed a little, it was short and tinged with nervousness. Why was socialising so much more difficult than anything else.
He started to shuffle off, hands diving deep into his pockets.
Mikhail watched the awkward shuffle, eyebrows furrowing again. He half turned to his project, watching the minimum heating jet flicker over a few pieces of metal, keeping them warm. He stood there for a few moments, normally quite fine with being left alone to work. But something about the Praetor tugged at him. “Sir.. You aren’t intruding. You can watch, if you’d like. If you aren’t otherwise busy, of course.” He doubted it, since the man followed him to hand deliver glasses.
Still the offer was there, if the half Pantoran wished to sit and join the Arkanian while he worked. Either way, Mikhail turned and walked back to his station, leaving Nathan with plenty of room.
Nathan had almost gotten into stride when Mikhail spoke. He paused midstep, looking over his shoulder and contemplating.
He didn’t have anything to do. It was an open invitation that he didn’t have to take but.. well it’d rude to not. After such a poor impressoin already…
Was it poor? He’d like to think Mikhail was inviting him to stay out of genuineness but the chorus that was his own internal dialogue cringed away. It could just as easily that Mikhail felt like he had to because he was the Praetor. Or only wanted to because of that too. The Headmistress, Archenskov, she had warned him to be cautious of spies, of interference and sabotage, what if it-
“I.. am curious admittedly. If it isn’t an intrusion, then… Well.” He cleared his throat, trying to quell the internal spiral and act normally, “Sure?”
Mikhail nodded to himself, adjusted his glasses, then cranked the heating jet back to full. He organized his station for a few moments before lifting the plate he was working on previously. He stuck it under the jet, slowly rotating it as it came to temperature. After he was certain that Nathan was settled, he spoke over the roar of the forge infront of him. “So.. what is it you’re curious about?”
As the heat began to rise once more, the Arkanian began to sweat again. Much more used to cold temperatures biologically. Still it didn’t seem to bother him. It did however have the side effect of wetting his top just enough for the Praetor to see a blue glow on his back, seemingly following his spinal column down to just above the small of his back.
“Well… it’s different. Utility arms aren’t as common as you might think. That and the missing power core… Though if that’s an invisibility drive then it makes sense to have central.. power in the suit. Rather than.. well, I’m guessing that’s why you aren’t just powering the arm?” It turned to a question, the doubt dawning in.
It looked right. It made sense.
But he wasn’t sure.
he cleared his throat, “Sorry. To be more.. concise, is the reason you’re not powering just the utility arm due to the upgrades in the suit? I can see a couple, but it seems like it’s meant for a large power source just for two modules.”
He pursed his lips, then looked over his shoulder at the pile of inner workings. He had made decent progress hammering this first plate into shape, so he set it down and moved over towards the rest of the suits innards.
“The answer is.. complicated.” He looked up at Nathan, Eyeing the half Pantoran while he considered how to answer. He weighed his option, debating mentally.
Eventually he let out a slight sigh and picked up a few pieces of the suit. He draped it over his shoulders, then strapped a buckle around his front so the back panel would stay there. He then raised a separate piece, what looked almost like a yoke. He clicked it into place behind his neck, the metal arms running under his jawline as he adjusted it. The metallic panels pressed against the blue crystal at the base of his neck, and after a few moments, the utility arm began to unfold from its compartment on the back. It moved strangely, as if it was stretching before settling into a neutral pose, ready to work.
All the while, Mikhail’s eyes stayed focused on the Praetors. Waiting, watching for a reaction. “This.. is easier. To show you.”
Nathan watched with fasincation. He had assumed the lacking power source was a decision of protecting the device, not that the-
“That’s an inventive use of the crystals. Does it power everything? Is it consistent? Of course there’s ongoing research all the time on them but it’s a new topic.”
Some of his nerves faded away, having something other to focus on than Mikhail. Well, it was still Mikhail of course, but there was less to worry about in the moment. The Pantoran mix would probably find things to groan about later when looking back on the encounter, but for now he allowed himself to enjoy the oppurtunity to learn.
“It seems steady enough. Part of what I’ve been experimenting with is the limit that it can provide power but.. I haven’t quite been able to test that extent.” He rolled his neck slowly, then grabbed a multi tool to adjust a screw here or there, adding give or tightening the various joints in the neck. Once satisfied gives it a few taps, ensuring it was nice and snug.
“From a surface level view, it appears to convert energy from the host into energy that can be extracted via Tesla loop. Like fishing, use a little energy as bait then pull the line back. More energy will follow but only in one direction.” He looked down at the half finished gauntlets on the table. “Without considering any side affects, one could potentially implant this onto a patient, in small patches, then use them to power prosthetic cybernetics. But without fully understanding how the crystal itself works I would never officially attempt anything like that. There are many.. holes in my research. But I’ve been conducting my own studies, mainly in my apartment.”
He realized how long he had been talking, so he paused and glanced at the Pantoran to see if he had anything to add.
Nathan had listened with interest, and upon glancing over Mikhail would see the curisoity and fascination.
Realising Mikhail had actually paused drew a nervous smile from the Praetor, straighening his posture as well.
“I definitely wouldn’t recommend experimentation like that unless it becomes… Well. If you ever lose a limb then its an opportunity sure, but that’s something that.. well it’s not great to have happen. Espeically not just to test something.” Well wasn’t that an obvious statement Nathan. “It has great potential though, and even just in practicality situation like your own, its beneficial at least. I.. would be concerned of nerve damage however. In the areas around the crystal while you’re drawing energy from it. There could be some heat from the reaction but it should be residual enough that that’s not a concern, but there is likely other elements. Such as movement. And consistent use of something that forces that could damage the smaller things in that area. And with where the crystals are, not an ideal place for nerves being compromised.
“I don’t disagree. But still, I am offered a chance to learn about it first hand. If, and that very well may be a large if, If I can guarantee general safety with prolonged infection and use, it could prove very beneficial. There would of course be.. side affects.” As he spoke, he started peeling the armor off of him, setting it back down on the station top. “What those may add up to could mean the whole idea is a volatile one. I am just hoping… my condition allows me to be of use.” His lips purse and he slightly frowns down at the armor. After a moment he turned, returning to the heating jet to get that plate heated yet again.
Nathan nodded slowly, “Just.. be careful. No use in hurting yourself. I get.. a lot of people here don’t really mind how far they go but I do try and advocate for safe practises at least. Ethical… that’s a stretch for most but safe is a start yeah?”
Some of the experiments he’d read the cases on recently passed through his head and he withheld a grimace. Ethical was definitely not a consideration. It bothered him some of the things he’d approved.
Mikhail’s frown held as he started hammering the plate into shape. He was no stranger to the ethical question of progress. “I.. know. Ethics are a touch subject. Especially amongst Arkanians…” He cast a glance over his shoulder at the half Pantoran. “Do you know about all that? Arkanian scientists working under the Empire?”
“I heard of it. It’s.. well.” He sighed, it was disgusting what was done under the Empire. And this.. wasn’t a conversation he wanted to have with a stranger. Nathan was.. admittedly tense. While he had to work with plenty of unethical and honestly straight up evil members of the academy, he could usually put space between them to safely ensure that he was never in the same room while discussing things.
It was something that he just.. struggled to trust.
“It is what it is.” No point sharing an opinion he couldn’t have.
“it.. Is. Unfortunate. In the name of progress, many atrocities were committed. Worth it or not.. Arkanians as a whole have been shunned by the ‘New Republic’.” He trailed off for a few seconds, pausing in his hammering. “But I have seen the Republic’s ways. Arkanian’s or not, a Mind Flayer is a Mind Flayer.” he mumbled under his breath at that last part before hammering away at the plate
Nathan went quiet. He was pretty set on not liking anyone delving into such things, but it was not only hypocritical but not really an opinion he should have. Never mind actually share aloud. He fiddled with the hem of his shirt, eased that Mikhail at least seemed disapproving, if jaded at the treatment of his species. A fair assessment but it didn’t fully dismiss the unease.
“You won’t recieve any kind of.. treatment in relevance to that. Not from any of rank anyway. Recruits or people passing through there’s little control but we’re all scientists here.”
We’re all scientists here
That statement didn’t sooth Mikhail’s mind as much as Nathan might have liked. He’s seen his share of Scientists, good and, mostly, bad. “Thank you for the reassurance.” He stated simply, hammering away again. Eventually the piece was shaped into a decent thigh guard, which he set down by the other finished plates after holding it up against his leg.
Despite the subject matter of the discussion, he was.. grateful to have spoken to someone. It had been a while. “Thank you also for, speaking with me. As a Praetor I know you must have a lot under your belt.”
Nathan didn’t exactly look confident nor happy when he made the statement.
He shrugged at the follow-up, he was busy between his duties as a Praetor and still acting as an engineer and medic actively on the Voidbreaker but yet… “It’s nothing out the normal. Having a conversation, it’s not.. It’s not a big deal. Just some extra paperwork.”
It wasn’t, but it was also a lot of it. The lie was obvious, but his dismissal of the importance he was holding was firm and intentioned.
Mikhail flicked the heater jet off and began organizing his station once more. Most of the tech and finished plates get placed back into a secure crate, then get locked in with a keypad. “Big deal or not, I appreciate you for it. If there is anything I can do for you in the future, feel free to reach out to me. You can find me here, the library, or my quarters.”
He paused for another few seconds before pulling out a secure Data pad from his back pocket “I can give you my Comm Code as well, if you’d like.”
“Oh. That would.. work?” Nathan was confused as to why Mikhail would want to.
Well, other than paranoid nagging.
He pulled out his own data disk, from an internal pocket in the jacket, in a few seconds having the relevant tabs open.
The exchange was quick enough, and Nathan was soon returning the disk back to his pocket, “This goes both ways, by the way. If you need anything. I can see what I can do.”
“I shall, Nathan.” The Instinct to call him Sir was suppressed this time. He instead ran his fingers through his hair, slowly forming it back from the messy look he was working with just previously. He then moved to a personal locker, pulling out his jacket, a tray of Data Cards, and a Simple looking cane with the head of a sleek, beaked animal.
“I should be going then, I have a meeting scheduled here sometime soon, and I need to try to sleep.” He offers an apologetic shrug but gives a soft, almost sad smile. “I’ll see you again sometime soon, I hope?”
He hoped?
Nathan suppressed the confusion, and just smiled. The fluster was returning and the panic, although softened, prickled at the edges of his attentions.
“Sleep well, I should imagine our paths will cross again before long. I’ll leave you to it.” Probably best to leave now while Mikhail prepared to leave, than awkwardly try to leave at the same time. So, the Praetor began to exit the room once more, a lot less stressed than before but no less confused.
Mikhail watched him walk out as he readied his things. The Arkanian was just as, if not more muddled on what exactly he thought of the Praetor. The usual hard wall he built seemed to be much softer currently. Perhaps lack of sleep really had been affecting him. He clenched his jaw and picked up his things, letting his eyes close for a few moments.
He reached up, gently adjusting the glasses he wore. Sleep. Sleep would straighten his mind, surely. He just needed to ensure he achieved it.
With that he left the forge area, heading back to his apartment.
It was a few hours later when Nathan finally returned to his room. He had fussed around and gotten ahead on projects, unable to settle but finding some peace in deep diving work.
It was almost midday when he returned, sitting on his bed.
There was a lot of things bothering him. Zig could help with at least one of them, he supposed. God-
It was an hour later after using his pillow as a muffler a few times that, still laid on his stomach in bed, Nathan keyed in Zig’s number on his data disk. Just a call.
Hopefully she wouldn’t immediately request to video transmission.. again.
There was maybe a waiting period of thirty seconds before a call came in to Nathan’s datapad. It was, of course, set to video.
Zig Kaliskas face was practically pressed into the camera, making her face take up the entire frame by itself.
“I SENSE … A DISTURBANCE in the…Force, or, uh, something.”
She pulled back to a normal distance and blew an errant strand of hair out her face.
“What’s up bud? Something come up at the Academy? Do I need to throw hands with anyone?”
She furrowed her brow as menacing as she could.
He smiled, shaking his head but relaxing a little.
“No nothing like that. Just had.. a uh.. realisation? I guess.. Well- i had it a while ago. At the last voidbreaker party. But it kinda came up and now I uh- WEll.” Nathan grimaced at the word garble before blurting out-
“I think I’m gay.”
“Hi gay, I’m Zig,” The Zygerrian responded automatically, as if on reflex.
Then her heart seemed to catch up with her mind, smack it upside the head, and take back over control.
“I mean, oh. Nathan…” her mind pushed back into the pilot seat as she ran through all of her past interactions with Nathan since getting to know him. Sure, he’d always been shy. She’d tried her best to use her extroverted tendencies to build up his confidence and get him to meet others. And yes, she had picked up that he seemed unfazed by the cadre of attractive women that came and went from the Voidbreaker. She had noticed, but never thought anything of it. Arcona was home to so many different kind of people, she’d just learned to accept everyone as they were. That’s what they had done for her, at least.
And sure, maybe she had known, somehow, deep down. She had lied to herself for many years, and it had taken someone, a unique someone, to pierce that veil, push her out of her comfort zone, and help her fully realize who she was. And to not be ashamed of it. There was a flicker of pain in her heart at Alaisy leaving her.
But without her, without that experience, without that hurt…maybe Zig would have still been afraid. Too afraid to make a bold move on the dance floor at a Gala.
Just like Nathan was probably feeling now.
Of course she understood.
“Why don’t you walk me through your thoughts, just like a schema, and we can figure it out together, yeah?”
Nathan nodded, having been surprised but not.. really shocked by her response. It was very zig of her.
He was more shocked by her follow up. But.. it helped.
“Well.. I don’t like women like that. I’ve never really thought about any of it before.”
He never had the chance to. Even if anyone had shown interest in him before the last.. year? He’d have avoided it out of fear of a trick.
“But uhm.. well the last voidbreaker party. I was talking to Qyeria and she.. well she’s gay too but obviously like you are. And she liked all the.. well. At the spring festival. And I was just.. uncomfortable. And the more j think about it.. im not.. uncomfortable like that when its.. men.” He frowned, avoiding zig’s face even though this was his intention to talk to her. “I.. well today. There was someone and he- well. I kept having to look away, and it was more than just being weird about him but I also- well. I was panicking anyway, there was a lot going on but it turned out okay. But there was also.. I dunno. Yeah.”
He faceplanted the pillow, disappearing out of the frame of the camera
Zig didn’t react in any particular way. She simple sat attentively, her features pensive as she listened to everything Nathan said, making sure, even if he wasn’t looking at her the whole time, that she was interested and enjoyed hearing him share his thoughts and feelings. That he was valid, to her.
“I honestly don’t know much about… relationships. Part of why I focus so much on other people’s is that it prevented me from ever having to assess myself. But,” she played with her braid a bit without realizing it. “What I do know, Nathan, is that when you feel something for someone…when you feel butterflies in your stomach or you feel like you need to look away…call it whatever you want. Love. Longing. Infatuation. The Force. It doesn’t matter what you call it,”
She shook her head a bit, trying to think of what to better say. She didn’t seem to mind Nathan had wanted to hide in the pillow. So she kept on taking anyway. “All I know…is…if you feel yourself wanting, and another person makes you feel like when they pull their hand away, you still want to reach for it? That’s the most powerful ‘force’ in the galaxy. Better than any space magic, better than any kyber crystal or cloaking device. That connection is what makes us…us.”
Her flush vanished and her face seemed to grow resolve. “ And no one, not anyone, can tell you otherwise. So if a boy makes you feel that way, I don’t think that anything in the galaxy should stop you. You know yourself, even if you’re shy. You’re smart and capable and if you had tits, I’d probably hit on you.”
She added the last part with a bit of a smirk, hoping to have layered in sentiment with their usual one sided banter.
Talking about secuality was one thing.
The sudden dive into acting like there was anything going on-
He made a small noise, of embarrassed pain.
“Zig I almost knocked him over. The only reason we spoke was cause he forgot his sunglasses after we got the data chits back on their tray. He mentioned where we was going which was good cause his glasses. He’s arkanian as well so- urgh. He said it was ok and we spoke about the armour he’s making but-”
Nathan groaned into the pillow again. If this was his first crush, and or how he was handling it then.. eh.
His voice was muffled as he continued, “and either way, you over estimate how interested anyone would actually be in me. Smart is one thing sure but…”
He knew the next part of that sentence would bother her. All of it would probably. He usually tried to avoid saying stuff like that for her sake but it was difficult when it was relevant.
Zig did narrow her eyes. But instead of scolding, she simply said, “Nathan, the male physique is so uninteresting to me that the only reason I’m familiar with it is from working on armor. But I don’t need to be into guys to know that you’re more than your sparkling personality and brilliant mind.”
Then she smirked. “I guess I could say if you were a droid, you got a nice chassis,” she made a very obvious wink. “Regardless of how you bumped into each other again and started to talk, you still did. You felt a connection. So the mystery isn’t, ‘oh, I guess I’m gay’ anymore. It’s now: lets explore that and see if it’s true, if that’s who I am and what I like”.
“I won’t lie, though. Crushes can be harmless, or inflict pain. Sometimes they come true, and sometimes they don’t. Sometimes they come true…and then they leave you.”
She looked down and away from the screen for a moment. It passed quickly as she smiled at a different memory. “Zuza and I shared our first kiss by what felt like accident. Sure, I always was attracted to her, and the dance could have been…anything. But then she fell, and my body moved before I knew what I was doing and she was there, and so was I, and nothing else mattered and despite my longing, my fear I went for it and…” she flushed, her ears moving in a rare sign of emotion. “Now, I’m happy.”
“In life…you need to experience things in order to grow. If you don’t try, you never find out. If you don’t break a few transistors repairing your first droid…how are you ever going to know how to fix one for real?
You get beat until you do it right
He was glad he was still face down when he cringed at that thought.
But she was right. Not.. necessarily about every little detail. He was tall, that was a boon. But.. eh..
It made the fluster make sense. The warmth despite the overall panic.
“…you’re right. I just.. bleh.”
Nathan raised his head from the mattress, looking at the video feed once more, and then off tk the side with a very tiny- “..he’s real smart.”
Zig rolled her eyes. “We’ll see about that,” she waved a hand dismissively. “Smarter than the Voidbreakers very own Pantman? I think not.”
Her face went back to pensive.
“It’s not about me being right, you know. I’m not going to change your mind or fix your feeling of not being good enough for…whoever this guy is. But I’m here to support you however I can…”
A thought occured. “…say, why don’t we invite him over to the ship? I’m sure the ‘Capn won’t mind, and even if he did, I still have sudo access to the ships mainframe backend…”
“…Im not bringing someone onto the ship without Doon’s permission. That’s.. how people die.” Nathan pulled a face, but nodded slowly, “I’ll ask though. I mean.. if he’s in the academy he’s gotta be part of the brotherhood st least. Worth asking.. worst he can he do is block me immediately. Probably.”
Definitely not the worst he could do, but internal thoughts.
“oh come on, you know he’s a big softy…”
There was a rustling noise and then the Zygerrian let out a tiny squeek as something in the background made a static noise and then a puff of smoke wafted into frame of her video.
“Kist frang kark I forgot about the new droid I was working on!”
Nathan went to tell her to go and deal with it, but before words even began to form the call shut off with worrisome noises.
He wasn’t particularly worried, and just chuckled to himself before placing the unit on the bedside table.
It was still all overwhelming and.. probably going to be distastrous. Most likley. But it wouldn’t be the worst thing, so there was that.