Ding!
Sivall looked at her datapad on the couch, frowning softly as a message flashed across her screen in code. It held a location and time for her to meet up with Anders for another training session. She barely survived the last one. The Chiss flopped the datapad onto the couch and set her face into her hands, rubbing at her temples softly with her thumbs.
She didn’t want to go. She was tired of sneaking around. She saw how much it hurt the people around her, how much it worried them. She had thought the Inquisitorious had been the right path, that she would be able to protect the people she cared about before they were even able to be injured… The image of black spider webs scarring Foxen’s arms flashed across her vision. The Dark Side had known that she wouldn’t had cared if it had taken from her to save Flyndt– it dug in where it knew the pain would be the worst.
‘You weren’t even at dad’s bedside when he woke up…’ Noga’s accusing face filled her vision next, and the regret that she had felt over not being there for Ruka when he had woken up and then been immediately fired from his position…
The Quaestrix of House Galeres pulled on her face and flopped against the back of the couch, letting her eyes close.
She couldn’t do this anymore.
“Problems, Queastrix?” A loving voice teased from behind the kitchen counter and plethora of plants.
Unknowing of the depths of her inner turmoil, but aware of a degree of the weight she carried, Alexandyr operated under the assumptions it was simply the political portion of her newfound job that had begun to wear on her. Doing his best to be the dutiful house husband, the man threw himself headlong into a lifestyle he had envisioned for himself.
The scent of spiced meat, seafood, and cooking wine would inundate their apartment. Aromatic garlic, scallion, rosemary and thyme boiled in the red whine after sautéing in the pan only served to enrich the smell.
Tattooed hands stretched across the stovetop to check the timer on their rice, before turning to the vegetable dish on the small burner.
“The politicking and arguments can’t be good for your complexion dear. I know it was bad enough when you served as Wulfram’s assistant, then you got promoted to work under Treebeard, and now you’ve replaced even him. The amount of stress you’ve gotten in such a short time… Are you okay, cyare?”
She thought about her response to the question. She could easily brush it off, tell Alex she was fine, but what good would that do either of them? Her problems would still exist, and Alexandyr would still be worried. Siv pinched the bridge of her nose, taking a second to let the dread of having to come clean settle into her stomach and into her veins like ice.
The Chiss woman forced herself up and over to the counter, finding a place where there was a bar stool amongst the plants that had started to take over their home. A soft smile filled her features as she gently caressed the leaf of a giant monstera plant, trying to let the latent force energy in it calm her. It did not. The smile slid off her face and she rested her chin on clasped hands, her elbows propping everything up on the bartop surface.
“No… I don’t think I am. Can we talk, vi'vickust? I have something I need to get off my chest…”
Her voice was soft, quiet, nervous. Sanguine eyes would stare at her husband’s back until he turned to face her, in which they would then turn downcast and stare of the marble of the breakfast nook.
“Did… Did I leave the toilet seat up again? I heard you complaining this morning. Did you get folded up like a jumpseat in the back of a transport ship when you went to sit?” A panicked Alexandyr asked as he placed his hands on her shoulder and a gentle kiss on her forehead.
“I should buy one of those self-resetting toilets. I’m sure we’ve got the funds for it right now. If not I can always borrow from Wulf’s ‘Child Support Fund’, or the Discretionary Fund…” The half-naked Mandalorian rattled off as he tried to figure out just what was at fault in the moment.
The kiss planted on her forehead stemmed to release the stress in tension rising in her like air from a balloon– and with the release came a rush of heat to her face and tears to her eyes. This wonderful, supportive man who she could call her husband was so trusting in her that he couldn’t fathom her issues being more simple than a domestic problem. She really didn’t deserve someone so kind and sweet. Not after everything she had done, all the ways she had let him down or left him to worry.
A tear rolled down her cheek and she covered Alex’s hands that rested on her shoulders with her own. The Chiss closed her eyes for a moment, trying to steel herself once more.
“No, no nothing as simple.” A few heartbeats of silence before she continued, “I know you’ve noticed me sneaking out, Alexandyr. I wanted to.. to explain why, and beg for your forgiveness for not being more straightforward with you. For not communicating better.”
“Did… Did you leave the toilet seat up and were just too embarrassed to say anything?” Alex asked as he wiped the tear away from her cheek and gave her forehead another kiss.
“You know there’s nothing you ever have to beg me for, I’ll always forgive you, and if there’s ever a reason you feel you had to hold something back from me, I knew there’d be a time you were ready to tell me. We both had rough lives, we’ve both had a lot of things we’ve done, and still do, to live with them.” The Mandalorian said as he rocked her back and forth gently in his arms, humming an old tune one of the denmothers used to sing back when he was still enslaved, to calm the children and younger teens.
.
The rocking motion had a slow calming effect, the tears rolling down Siv’s cheeks lessening more and more.
“Why are you so kind to me, my love?” Tiny blue fingers gripped at Alex like he was the only thing keeping her from teetering off the edge, her knuckles going white from the effort.
“I.. joined the Inquisitorious. I want to learn how to fight better. I’ve been sneaking out so that Anders can traing me without anyone knowing. Ruka… Ruka wouldn’t look so favorably on me going. A lot of people here wouldn’t. But I want to be able to protect you, protect everyone, so I never have to heal a person again. I want to stop disaster from striking before anyone can even get hurt.”
Sanguine eyes slowly opened and looked at the plant beside them.
“I see Ruka’s blood on me, no matter how much I was my hands. No matter how many times I change my clothes or wash the clothes I take off. It’s always there. And the smell. I can smell that ichor tainting his blood. I can feel him slipping away under my hands.”
The Inquisitorious, of all the orders and organizations it could have been, it had to be the one that would cause Wulfram to burn the world to the ground. To Alexandyr however, it was another tool at The Brotherhood’s disposal, a tool which when honed and implanted with trusted tools would serve faithfully, but could just as easily be used for destructive ends. The question ran through his mind, was this as horrible a decision as she believed it to be?
The Mandalorian sighed as he continued to rock her in his arms, applying a gentle kiss on her forehead as he held her tighter. He understood her plight all too well, it’s what brought him to The Brotherhood, to Arcona, and what ultimately led him to her. The scent of iron bars, the sight of dead slaves, the blood of the men and women he killed and those he couldn’t save as he escaped slavery were forever emblazoned in his mind.
“It doesn’t go away.” He whispered, holding her tighter.
His voice cracked as he spoke and he looked to the star charts on his left arm, tracing a line down to the palm of his hand, the planet where he had been held as a slave through much of his childhood.
“It doesn’t go away, no matter what you do. What we do is find ways to make it easier to carry, find ways to make sure others don’t repeat our fates. A Jedi gave their life to save me and many others like me from the pens, I left loved ones behind, killed slavers who had fed and cared for me while I was sick, in order to escape. Forgetting washes away what brought us to now, but holding on and knowing we can prevent others from walking that path, that we can prevent ourselves from walking that path, is how we keep ourselves from being washed away in it.” He reassured her, using the open palm to cup the back of her head.
“You can’t let yourself follow in the mistakes that you want to save others from.”
Sivall let her other half talk, still clinging to the man like he was her only lifeline. She listened to what he had to say, Sanguine eyes closed as she buried her face into his chest.
She should have known better. If anyone could understand her, understand why she tried so hard, it was Alexandyr. The deathgrip her tiny blue fingers had on Alex slowly relaxed, as did the tension in her body. Ruka could be mad at her, Zuza or Zuji, the kids, even Bril— but as long as she had Alex, she was okay.
“Will you be patient with me?” She asked softly, “Patient while I tread this path to see if it has the answers I seek? I promise to be careful. I never want you to fear losing me again.”
She remembered the panic in his voice as she bled out on the way back to Selen. The fear in his eyes when he found her bleeding on Tekpantli. Remembered how haggard he looked after each incident, how tired, how worm.
.
“When have I been anything but patient?” The elder Mandalorian asked as the back of his hand graced Sivall’s cheek, brushing hair from her eyes before he planted a kiss upon her forehead.
“There’s no easy path to finding who or what we are. We’ll walk into dangerous and unenviable places to understand the secrets about ourselves we should have comprehended from the beginning. We’ll ask questions we already knew the answers to. We’ll suffer betrayals and hurt meant for others in the sake of seeing our friends and family through the worst times, simple because we believe we can handle it better than they can. The hardest part of life is living, but, it also offers us the richest experiences.” He murmured into her cheek as he only held her closer.