The trip from Sol'Vida farm had been an interesting one. The Zeltron Jedi was overwhelmed by a myriad of emotions. Vance had been both kind and gentle. He had not made Atticus feel pressured or out of place. It was really a bit hard to swallow. The slightly older man had not put him under any sort of pressure. At the farm, he had talked a little about the Versea Estate. Apparently, he had a home on Ryloth, where his Mistress allowed him to lay down his head.
That, he realized, was a bad way of looking at it. The woman was his employer but not his Mistress. Vance had alluded to his own slavery at the farm when talking to Rue. The last thing that little Atticus should want to do was to upset the cute boy by reminding him of where he had come from. He stopped. His thoughts seemed so different now that he was free. He was still embarrassed. Vance had voiced his interest in him.
Something stirred deep in his stomach and through his body in a way he had not had time to consider while he was a Padawan under Ryl'es'chorressel. The Chiss Jedi had been an enigma in many ways, but she had hammered into Atticus a sense of duty over all things.
He had remained shy and quiet as Vance lead him through the spaceport. He told Atticus he knew of a place where the two of them could relax. Vance was all smiles. Yet, Atticus was not sure how to really respond to these fresh emotions.
“I am interested in you.”
The words were alien. Jedi were supposed to eschew attachment. So, how far did that go? Jedi were supposed to show a sort of love to their fellow sentients.
Wait, love? Atticus’ face had burned when he followed the course of his thoughts. Where did that come from? He said he was interested in me. So why does that word come to mind? Why would he be interested in a failed Padawan. Why is my heart thundering? Why do my pants feel a little tight? Is this a proof that I have failed? Does this mean I didn’t deserve my former Master? What does this mean for me as a Jedi? Am I fallen? Have I failed? What is this? Who am I? Gods old and new, above and below, what am I supposed to do with all this?
His mind was still whirring with thoughts and emotions innumerable as Vance took his hand and helped him into the speeder. He was still reeling as Vance lead him softly through Markosian City’s streets. The attractive man lead him through the streets towards a bar that he had heard good things about. It wasn’t even one of those things where they even had to advertise. It just was.
Maybe that was the real answer to all this. Maybe he just had to be. His cheeks burned. It seemed like Vance just was. He was just strong, he was just kind, he was just that nice-looking.
Nice looking.
These were not Jedi thoughts.
What was wrong with him?
Was he fallen?
Was he….Sith?
He didn’t even realize and yet-
He looked at Vance, his eyes wide even as Vance lead him into the Crossroads. He felt like a bantha being lead to the slaughter.
“What is- I mean- I don’t- I - um - where are we - what are we - I -” He sighed and looked at Vance with all-to-wide eyes. “What is- um- what is- uh - what is this place?”
Vance smiled, it had been so long since he had fun non duty ride on a speeder and with a remarkably handsome Zeltron with him. He allowed the wind to whip about his long maroon hair as they arrived at The Crossroads. It was a favorite place of his as the music was chill, vibe relaxing and all around the drinks not too shabby. The perfect place to talk more and. There it was a spark of joy within his heart again and his words echoed in his head. ‘I have an interest in you.’ Really Vance, just don’t scare the man, remember you are free, but take things slow. He parked the speeder and hopped off, offering a hand to Atticus. “Ah welcome to the crossroads, a nice quiet bar that has some really nice soothing music, decent drinks, but most of all a place we can sit down Atticus and get to know each other better. Yes, I know you are a Jedi and you have had your duty and all that, but tonight I wanted to get to know a little more of the man deep down under all that.”
He chewed at the inside of his cheek. “I mean, I have hardly given though to anything beyond that for- well- for- damn- for years.” He felt his cheeks flush. “I guess you could say that I am a bit of an odd avian.”
“Well Atticus, here is your chance to actually live a little and be you.” He grinned seeing his cheeks flush “And my you are a very lovely shade of pink.” He then offered his arm and gave a flirtatious wink to the Jedi. “Shall we go relax a bit?”
Atticus felt tears sting his eyes.
Did he know how to be him?
He squeezed his eyes shut and grasped at Vance’s arm. He gasped lightly as he felt the firmness of his new companion’s arm. He felt a fresh wave of new emotion washing over him.
Come on, Atticus. Calm yourself. The Force is with you, the Force is your rock, and-
He pulled himself closer to the half-Sephi.
Force help me, he smells kind of nice.
His eyes snapped open.
“S-sure that sounds-” he weighed his words. “That sounds kind of nice.”
His words were shaky, but he felt safe as he pulled Vance’s arm closer to himself.
His violet eyes glowed as he felt a slight twinge of emotion as he enjoyed the sensation and comfort his companion felt. He opened the door to the establishment and walked inside. The air was calm, a nice soft blues style jazz filled the air as a live band played on a small stage. Looking avkut Vance saw a small empty corner booth a little more hidden away. He made his way over and scooted himself to the side allowing Atticus room to sit next to him. He looked over and smiled at Atticus as he let his hand slide over the Jedi’s. “Welcome to the Crossroads Atticus. Here it’s smooth vibes and fun jives. Plus, a nice little quiet getaway. There is a menu and they serve all sorts of drinks here alcoholic and non. Myself, I am probably to start just grabbing a non alcoholic tatooine sunset. Order anything your heart desires Atticus and don’t worry about credits, I have us covered.” He grinned giving his hand a soft reassuring squeeze. “So tell me Atticus, what kinds of little hobbies do you enjoy? Surely you have a few.”
Hobbies?
Atticus smiled faltered as he considered the question.
He had spent a lot of time as a Jedi. He had helped people. He had spent so much time working as opposed to giving any sort of thoughts to hobbies. What did he really have, now that he was no longer a Jedi?
Was he something different now?
He thought for a moment, trying to affect a sense of ease and peace that he very clearly did not feel.
“I- um - well, I - hobbies? I guess I never really gave a whole lot of thought for the things that I like to do for fun.” He smiled, but the feigned joy really didn’t reach his eyes. “I spend a lot of time ruminating on the mysteries of the Force. I am so busy that I don’t have a lot of free time. I mean, I like animals. I enjoy music as well. I really don’t have anything as fancy as most people have though.” He tapped his chin as his mind worked.
“What about you? What do you enjoy doing in your free time, Vance?”
“Clearly you enjoy music, after all I saw those eyes alight when I played my guitar and sang at the farm.” He grinned to Atticus, letting his hand travel up and rest on the jedi’s shoulder. “I take it you have been more so focused on duty huh, well if it’s music you enjoy and animals perhaps I can serenade you with a sweet song hmm?” He chuckled. “As for animals, I actually saw a brochure for a rescue place and they had an adoption faire going to happen soon. Perhaps tomorrow we can go check it out. Who knows, maybe I can help you find a sweet furry friend you can take care of.” He relaxed his body a bit as his arm stretched comfortably around Atticus’s shoulders. It felt nice almost…like it belonged. Again he felt his heart stirring as he looked at the Zeltron and swallowed as he softly bit his lip. Dammit, he is just so beautiful. His sunset arrived, which snapped his focus back to the table. “Thank you.” he nodded to the waiter as he grabbed his glass with his other free hand and downed part of it. He shook his head as he couldn’t tell if the Zeltron’s pheremones were getting to him or of he really was..falling for this jedi’s charms. At this rate, it didn’t matter to him, for once he felt..peacefulness.
Atticus leaned into Vance’s embrace. “That actually sounds kind of nice.” He heard a soft pounding in his ears. Was that his heartbeat, or that of Vance? He wasn’t sure, but it was okay either way. “I am not sure where I would keep such a creature. I mean, it is nice, but being responsible for another being when I don’t have a place to rest my head hardly seems wise.” He grimaced, trying to quash the unease in his heart.
Smiling softly, the half Sephi gently brought his right hand under Atticus’s chin and drew his face close to his as he leaned in, his sparkling violet eyes now glowing as he looked into those unsure gray eyes. “My wonderful Atticus,oh but you DO have a place to rest your head and stay. May I remind you that you are welcome to stay with me and travel if you wish.” His eyes softened as he spoke his heart. “As I said, there is a home for you all you have to do is just ask Atticus. You don’t have to be alone in this universe fighting by yourself.”
HIs breath caught in his throat.
So close.
He blinked, trying to sort his emotions.
He had spent so long as a Jedi. He had spent so long as a student. He had spent so long as a servant. What did this Vance mean for him? What did he really mean for him? Was he asking for a companion? Was he asking for a friend? Was he asking for a roomate? Was he asking for more?
Could Atticus serve to fulfill what Vance desired?
His mind spun for the possibilities. He tried to consider what it all would mean for him in the long run. He tried to think of the future. Yet, as he looked at Vance, all he could see was the man before him. Was that his answer? Was he playing the fool? Did he want Vance to touch him more? Did he want to hold the man? Was this just thankfulness? Was this a natural response to kindness, or was he being selflish when this man was being so sweet.
He couldn’t think straight. He blinked, and leaned against Vance again.
“I-I thank you. Nobody should have to face the galaxy alone.” He snuggled into the crook of Vance’s inner arm. “I am just- I know what many people expect of companionship. I don’t know that I can live up to everything expected. There is so much that I don’t know. I don’t want to be a burden, Vance.”
“Sssshh, Atticus, you are not a burden to me pretty Jedi.”
He laughed softly, shaking his head as his arms softly wrapped around Atticus’s waist as he gave him a gentle, but firm hug. “I am not asking you to live up to some standard or anything, all I want right now Atticus is for you to feel safe. I want you to feel happy. To feel wanted and supported. I don’t know the future any more than you, but what I do know is that right now the one man I would enjoy spending my time, sharing experiences and maybe perhaps if he would like..something more than just friendship is you.”
He then rested his chin on Atticus’s head and closed his eyes taking in the wonderful sensation of the Jedi’s touch as he smiled happily.
He was so warm.
Atticus closed his eyes, resting in the embrace.
“What does the future mean for u- for me, I mean?” He felt a catch in his throat and a burning in his eyes as he felt a wave of raw emotion ripple through him. “And what more is there than friendship?” He shook softly as he felt the affection that radiated off of Vance through the man’s pheremones.
This all was so unusual. He remember some of the pheremones of his mother and his father. He understood it on a deep and fundamental level. He didn’t have words for it. It was purely a thing of instinct.
Was he drawn to Vance because of the familiarity he felt now? Was it the affection? Was it because he was so expecting, so wanting of such a connection? Did you envy those who seemed to connect so easily when he has been forced to keep a distance from sentients both base and lovely?
The half Sephi laughed as he hugged him again.
“Well if you accept, it means that you have a companion that is willing to spend time with you, go on all sorts of adventures, get into trouble together, see the stars and have a rich exciting life seeing what comes.”
He kissed his forehead softly. “What more is there than friendship? Well..uh..” Vance blushed slightly turning a darker pink. “if friendship deepens further past between individuals usually it’s something called love.”
“Well, what is love?” Atticus looked embarassed. “My understanding of love, for a Jedi, was a show of service. I am sorry I am- I am sorry- I am just- I am sorry. I am sure I seem so foolish compared to all of you and your friends.”
“Love is love. Unconditional desire never expecting anything in return just giving oneself to another not out of duty, but voluntarily because.”
Vance began to falter a bit as his heart beat faster.
“because..they..nine hells..Because they care about each other deeply.” He was now blushing badly, but still held onto him. “You aren’t foolish Atticus, you just need some guidence and help that’s all.”
Guidance?
His heart thundered.
Was Vance offering mentorship?
How does desire play into giving things in return exactly*?
He nodded.
“How does unconditional desire play out, Vance, for a non-Jedi?” He paused. “You want me to….give myself….to you?” His face scrunched up thoughtfully. “How so?”
Vance was dying inside. “Uhhh, well…I…I..would kind of like to…uh..to…gods what is the word. I would very much like to go out with you on dates and become ah karking hells a couple?” He managed to squeak out. “I really really like you Atticus.” He chuckled at himself.
“Do you like me more than….bonfires?”
Vance tilted his chin upwards softly as he felt himself give in to his feelings and winked as he leaned in close and whispered.
“Definitely more than bonfires.” Then carefully pressed his lips to Atticus’s and kissed him gently holding his face softly in his hands.
Atticus paused, thinking. “So if service is not the answer, if duty is not the answer then- um-” He leaned so close that his nose was nearly touching Vance’s. “How do you want me to- um- to- aaaah- to - answer?- that like?” He was blushing deeply.
“Sometimes Atticus.” He laughed as he stroked his face. “We just go with our gut feeling. you know you look adorable when you blush. Honestly, I feel happy being with you and I want to show you as much as I can how much I deeply care and want you Atticus. So my offer still stands would you like to travel the stars and stay with me? I am by no means perfect, but I will do my best to make sure that you are cared for. Never alone, supported and loved Atticus.”
He wants me. Atticus swallowed. He… loves me?
He didn’t dare to voice the thoughts. Instead, he just nodded.
“I want that.” He teared up. “I want that sort of things ever so much.”
“Well then that is settled. From now on you travel with me Atticus.” He grinned as he placed a kiss on his nose while hugging him. “And you will never be alone or forgotten again.”
“Never alone?” Atticus croaked. “Never….forgotten?” The tears came unbidden this time. He clutched onto Vance as silent tears fell. He hadn’t felt so wanted since his before his Master’s death. Sure, that had only been a few months ago, but now it felt like lifetimes ago.
“Never,” To Atticus’s surprise Vance lifted him up in his strong muscular arms with ease and grinned as he winked. “Now how about we head back home, get some rest and go pet shopping tomorrow. What do you say?”
Atticus gripped Vance’s neck, pressing his forehead against the half-Sephi’s. “Wait though, you said you wanted to bring me here to get to know me a bit. Are you saying you have all you need to….what….to take me home with you?”
“You have given me all the answers I needed Atticus. And likewise you are gonna get to know me a whole lot better and besides.” He smiled as he carried him towards the door. “I still wanted to play my guitar and sing for you.” Planting a kiss on his forhead he winked as he whispered. “more privately.”
“Can we do so?” His voice dropped “I wanted to enjoy some more time with you here first though. I figured some time here might serve to form some….nice memories.” He liked how Vance made him feel. While privacy sounded nice, he wanted some time just to indulge in this newfound warmth.
“Sure whatever you are comfortable with Atticus.” He chuckled as he walked back to the booth and gently set him down. He then scooted back in.
“I’m sorry for rushing you like that. Some of my own feelings are just so raw and new to me. I sometimes get too impulsive and ahead of myself. You are right both of us need some time to process and work things out.”
He sighed softly. “Having been freed recently, I also have quite a few things I need to work on myself. Again my offer though is still to at least give you a place that you can stay and a chance to at least travel around with someone who does genuinely care about you.”
He brought his hands up and ran them through his long maroon hair as he let it cascade behind him. Finally, he rested them in his lap as he leaned back a moment and closed his eyes. He could feel a myriad of emotions welled within him. Love and desire for atticus, that longing for companionship. Anger at himself for being so hasty. Scared, that Atticus would want nothing to do with him. He took a deep breath in and let it out slow calming himself. Please let this night be wonderful. He thought as he waited for the Jedi to answer him.
He thought about this for several moments, sighing softly as he leaned back.
“What sort of traveling about are we talking? I spent a lot of time kind of roughing it on Coruscant’s lower levels. I also spent some time camping out around a farm around Dantooine and a lot of little worlds on the Outer Rim over the years. The Dantooine trip was really more about a pilgrimage of sorts to see the old Jedi conclave there.” He smiled. Those were nicer times.
“Where do you lay your head? You mentioned an estate belonging to Versea. Is he a good landlord? Is it far from here?” His words, his questions came more quickly as he relaxed. “What kind of work do you do? I am not good with my hands, but I am willing to work hard, if Versea will have me.” He paused. “Would I need a uniform or is that provided? I have little in the way of material possessions to speak of. So does Versea provide your clothes, or does he pay you handsomely for your services rendered?” I- wait-“ He faltered. "I am sorry. I am talking too much.”
Vance chuckled at the younger Zeltron as he sat up again,turning his head towards Atticus as his violet eyes seem to fill with mirth and joy. “Well I have my own quarters set up for me by the quiet, but regal Matriarch of the Versea Estate, TashaVel Versea. She is a very interesting Twi'lek and my place is there on Ryloth.” He grinned. “It actually isn’t too hard to get to the place, you would absolutely love the place. She has one of the most beautiful and exotic gardens that I have ever seen. She keeps the place well as it was given to her by her grandfather.”
He ordered another nonalcoholic sunset, with all this talking, he would need something at least to not get parched. He then folded his hands together a moment in thought before looking back at Atticus.
“Uh well I am a mercenary so I sometimes fly off and do various missions she asks me to go on.” He smirked.
“She absolutely detests going to socials as her parents always forced her to go to them so she usually sends me out to be the diplomat. So I tend to talk a lot more than have to use my trusty slugthrower. On occasion, ive been sent to protect individuals, but most times I think she just wants me to get out there and meet people.”
He reached out and gently took the Zeltron’s hand giving it a soft squeeze. “No, you are doing just fine Atticus.” He gsve him a wink as he continued talking. “Nah dont have a set of uniforms. Wear what you want and you can even have robes custom made if you wish. She pays well and fair for my liking.” He then grinned. “So Atticus tell me about your Dantooine trip, what did you like about it?”
He smiled. “Well there were a lot of nice grasslands. The wildlife was a little challenging at times, but seeing the old temple was really cool too. It was all farming land, and I got a chance to look through the caves, but the kinrath made it difficult, which was unfortunate given stories of khyber crystals that were supposed to be there. The historical significance of the battle from the Clone Wars made that site worth a visit.
"Mostly though, it was just nice people. There were not a lot of people, which made it really peaceful. Most of them were simple farmers, and we helped them dealing with kath hounds and I got to do a bit of light farming. My Master wanted to try to expand my experiences. It enjoyed the serenity and I enjoyed the opportunity to practice Jedi charity.”
“That sounds quite nice Atticus. You seem to enjoy the simple things in life and the peaceful calming balance it brings.” His right hand still softly stroking the jedi’s left. “What other experiences did she try to help you expand?”
“Farming mostly. She wanted me to try to learn to brush shoulders with a variety of cultures. Though there was- well- um- one other thing. She tried to help me learn to- um- to dance.”
“Oh if you mean over my apprenticeship, there was a lot more than that. I had to learn history, a bit of languages, I had to learn bits about trade and some survival skills. Since we might be without support my Master tried to instill as many disparage proficiencies in me as she could.”
Vance’s eyebrow arced a bit while he smiled. “Well it sounds like your master tried to help you out as best as she could. Now did I hear that right though, she tried to teach you dancing?”
“She believed in….spontaneous expressions of emotion. And she said that dancing could bring people together. I was never very good though.”
“Me either Atticus, but if you want we can both see which dances worse later.” He laughed and smiled. “I think you have plenty of good qualities Atticus.” He leaned back a bit and stretched. “And I am sure there are plenty more fun little details about yourself that may come about the more you travel about and learn things. I know for me, I still have a lot to learn in this grand universe and meeting you has been wonderful.”
“I-I do not understand.” Atticus looked sideways. “What is so wonderful about me? I am just some sad excuse for a Jedi. You and your friends at the farm are comparatively just so- just so much more interesting.”
“Atticus, you are wonderful in your own way. I don’t think you are a sad excuse, give yourself a little patience and love. And to be fair I find everyone interesting. See everyone has a different path and walk of life and each of us follow things differently, have different perspectives and viewpoints. I repsect and admire the beauty of diversity and just enjoy hearing people’s stories through their life journey. Yours Atticus is still going and there is a lot out there for you to discover and explore. Sometimes you walk it alone for a bit, sometimes you find others that will join you. And for me I am happy to be along with you for this ride.” He smiled as he put a reassuring soft hand on his shoulder and patted it. “There are so many paths and decisions yet for you to make and best thing is you are the one who gets to make them.”
“How do I got about doing that, though?” He looked sideways. “If you hadn’t offered to take me in, I would be directionless, and unable to be sure what would I be able to do with it. It mostly seems like I am- like I am- like I am just going through the motions. I am just a Padawan, and that is not changing anytime soon. I do not have a Master anymore.” His heart dropped. “I am stuck.”
“Well tell you what I am no jedi master or anything of that sort, but if you need some help and guidence, I could get you to Tasha'vel now uh..she isn’t a jedi, but she might be able to give you a job like me and at least maybe point you ina direction to go.” He offered.
“Wait…what do you mean she is not a Jedi?” He blanched slightly. “What is she then?”
Vance fidgeted uncomfortably a bit as he answered hoping he wouldn’t scare him, but at the same time he wasn’t gonna lie to the young Jedi. “Well..uh she is..a Sith.”
“Why would a Sith give any care for a Jedi? I have heard stories about the Inquisitors over the years. The Emperor gave us no quarter.”
“Well she seems to be different as well as the clan orginization she is part of. The dark Jedi Brotherhood actually has a clan of jedi’s called Odan Urr and I have seen Tashavel actually speak with a few of the jedi’s there. Yes the past was terrible and Sith and Jedi fought against each other in the past, but now it seems they at least tolerate each other here. And if I recall she even has made a couple friends who are jedi. She tends to run to tempo of her own drum. I haven’t actually talked to her a lot, but from what I have seen anyone she has come across that didn’t attack her outright, she seems reasonable towards them. And since I don’t personally know all her life journey perhaps there was a reason she chose to become a Sith. Again as I have stated everyone has a life journey and they choose their paths and journey. Yes, there are consequences for any decision made. Now I don’t know everything she has done, but I know she seems kind, she does talk and she does pay well. So that is up to you Atticus whether you wish to take her kindness or not. I won’t tell you what to do that is for you to decide. All I want is for you to be able to get on yohr feet and be successful and happy in life. ” He smiled softly part of him wanting to add more about being closer to him, but he resisted his emotions for the time being. Slow Vance take it slow.
“Is there….a chance that I could speak to her before I decide?” Atticus’ knee was shaking now. “I mean….after we….after we…..after our…..what is the word…” he swallowed. “Our… liason?”
Vance’s eyes grew wide a moment in surprise looking at Atticus “After what? And of course we can talk to her before any decision.”
“After,” Atticus waved a hand to their surroundings, “well I guess, after all this?” He shrugged. “I guess I am a bit confused with everything still. I mean, I am not familiar with non-families….and non-Jedi….sharing quarters. I want to understand a bit more about what is happening between you - well - between you and me?”
A twinge of nervousness as his heart started to beat a bit faster. Wait he actually wants to..wait..
He leaned a hand back to slick his long maroon hair back. “Well Atticus,” He felt that feeling like butterflies again in the pit of his stomach as he looked at the very handsome jedi still sitting next to him. He clenched his jaw struggling a moment what to say, what not to say. Is he overthinking…
“Well I know that you would have your own quarters to stay in Atticus it would be like your own small apartment you would be given and even if you didn’t say agree, I wohld let you stay and even help find you somewhere to live. I know I have at least a small couch in my room that you or I could crash on if you need a place to sleep.”
His heart was beating a bit more and prayed that atticus couldn’t hear it. Was it getting warm suddenly? Why was this jedi doing this to him? All these emotions rising. He took a small breathe in and let it out slowly calming his heart before speaking.
“Well what are you feeling between you and I atticus?”
“What am I feeling?”
That was a great question. So much of the time, he really had not given a thought to his personal thoughts. He was feeling a lot of things. He was feeling affection, he was feeling gratitude, he was feeling confusion, he was feeling elation and he was feeling them all at once. He looked at Vance. He looked into the warm man’s eyes. He lifted a hand, almost daring to touch Vance’s face. He wanted to do so. He wanted to touch, he wanted to feel, but he pulled his hand back and bit his lip.
“I think that sleeping on your couch would be- um - most appropriate for - for - for - for now.” He looked down at the table. “I know what i feel, but I am not sure it is appropriate for what is happening here.”
A soft smile came across Vance’s lips as his eyes seemed to convey empathy, understanding and safety as he nodded and gently placed his hand on the Jedi’s shoulder very lightly patting it. “As you wish Atticus. If you would like to talk more about your feelings you are safe to do so with me. I understand that you want to piece out how you feel right now before making any decision. I will respect your wishes Atticus.”
He weighed out his feelings. “I am- that is to say - how do I - I guess that you say that I am interested in you too, Vance. I am just not used to expressing how I feel exactly.”
Vance chuckled a moment delighted. “Well there are verbal ways and non verbal.” He smiled and winked at him. “And I can help you understand how to express your feelings. Again, we can take it slow. Right now we are talking getting to know each other and it’s wonderful. Another way is through touch. Now that is a little more powerful in expressing feelings, so if you would like you may hold my hand if you want to.” He smiled. “But again only if you want to and if not that is fine by me. I find that holding hands is nice in expressing more interest in someone.”
“Taking- wha- taking what nice and slow my friend?”
“I understand what you mean about touch, but it seems like there are layers of meaning beneath that.”
“You want….me….to touch….you?”
“Well you would be right there Atticus. There are layers I guess you’d say to a relationship. And..” Vance chuckled. “Well putting it that way, yes I would very much Atticus, but I never wanted to pressure you into anything. I think you are very pretty and good looking, but I want you to be comfortable with how you feel because I just..I just….nine hells..don’t want to mess up and hurt you Atticus.” He stammered out as he leaned back his face flushing. “Because I like you and I care about you a lot more than you may think.”
“How would you hurt me?” Atticus seemed genuinely confused. “Did you plan to do so?”
“No I don’t plan to do so Atticus.” He smiled softly. “I am just sometimes afraid of my own emotions at times and I just want so much to make you feel happy Atticus. You deserve to have joy and happiness.”
“And you worry that you would….bring me other than joy and happiness?”
“I worry that I would say and do things that would make you sad or feel hurt. I can’t say I wont ever as no one is perfect, but I just want you to have a place you can call home, feel safe and secure to let out anything that is bothering you Atticus.”
Atticus reached out tenatively, taking Vance’s hand, and squeezing it. “Thank you, Vance.”
He looked over at him and smiled. “I have lived a pretty sad childhood full of disapointments and sadness as a slave and I never really had much choice to do anything I wanted, but now that ive been freed and have a choice..” He squeezed it back gently folding his other hand over it. “I want to make sure you have the same.”
“ A sad childhood?” Atticus frowned. “Well, what could I do that would help you deliver you from the sorrow of your childhood? You keep alluding to what I want. What do you want though, Vance? How can I help you feel greater peace?”
“Well if I could have one thing in the world, just someone that would come with me and join me on whatever adventures there was to be had in this life. Maybe.” He laughed as he stroked Atticus’s hand. “Maybe also someone I could enjoy spending my time, love and energy with.”
“Your….love?” Atticus looked deep into Vance’s eyes. “Well, in the Jedi life we were taught to help other sentients. We were taught to love our fellow beings with our whole heart. We were taught to serve with our whole body and our whole spirit. So….how can I help you, Vance? What do you really want?”
Vance grinned.“I want you Atticus.”
“You….want…me?” He spoke the words slowly, his eyes growing wide. “I am not sure that I can do quite…..that. Though maybe your idea is different than mine.” Atticus leaned in close. “I want to know your deepest heart, Vance. I want to understand you on the deepest level. Perhaps, I am being a bit foolish. Perhaps, I don’t quite understand what you mean.” He frowned.
“You know I am terrible with words sometimes.” He laughed. “Understand me on my deepest level and deepest heart…” He brought his hand up and stroked the Zeltron’s right cheek softly. “I think you might understand a little."He then leaned in and gave the curious Zeltron a soft kiss on his lips.
*What?
Wait!
What!?*
The younger Zeltron was in shock. This. He had not expected this. Yet, he did not resist. He did not pull back. He did not protest.
He did blink. He did blush. He put his hand to Vance’s. He did feel himself melt into the half-Sephi’s touch.
He was still confused. He still was not completely sure what to make of all this. He had not had much of a chance to consider anyone in his time of service. Not anyone who made him feel like this.
His heart thundered in his chest. His blood pumped in his ears, and his face burned. He pulled back, his breath coming in more rough than he had expected.
“Oh.” The word was simple. It did not convey the complexity of his emotions in the moment. Still, it did not feel wrong.
There was no Jedi ruling against….this right?
Attachment was forbidden. To love one’s fellow sentient was…..duty? Right!?
“Is- is that-” he breathed. “Is that your deepest desire? To kiss me?”
Vance pulled back and laughed heartily. “Maybe it was, maybe not.” He teased. “But then again I have a lot more desires Jedi, but those I would rather discuss at a later time. For now I would love to spend more time with you Atticus. I want to allow you the choice of course. You still seem to be uncertain on your feelings, but that is all right. We can still continue to explore them together.” He then leaned down and whispered into his ear. “It’s okay to love someone Atticus. Don’t be afraid of your emotions. Have some control yes, but don’t just always bottle them inside."He grinned as he held his hands again. "And if you feel stuck in an emotion talk with me. I will do my best to help you out.” Softly, he then wrapped his strong arms around the Jedi and hugged him close. This felt nice, the warmth, the soft beat of his heart close to his. He did not want to let go of Atticus. He felt happy and he just had this overwhelming desire to protect this younger jedi. “I want to protect you Atticus…”
“Atticus leaned into the hug. "I….want you to protect my hear-” Atticus froze. He drew a deep breath. “I want you to protect me. I have been away for long - so long. I think I might actually have a chance to-” he trailed off.
“As you wish Atticus.” Vance softly ran his fingers through Atticus’s hair as he held him close in a protective embrace. “I will be there for you and I won’t let go. You are safe in my arms.” He let Atticus rest his head against him as he looked up a moment. Whatever it takes, Atticus..Whatever it takes to keep you safe and happy I will do. He then closed his eyes and rested his chin against the Jedi’s head. “You are safe.”
The younger Zeltron held onto his new friend. He felt the man’s words resonate within him. He felt the sting of tears as he clung to the half-Sephi. “What about you, Vance?” He pulled back to look into the warm and inviting eyes. “What exactly do you want to explore?” He tilted his head. “All this exploration, I appreciate it, but you look at me with more than mere warmth.” He smiled coyly. “Your pheremones betray you, sweet man.”
“Zeltron right..you can sense mine…,” He sighed. “dammit. Yeah well I would like to..” His face burned with embarrassment. “To.."His heart beat wildly. He wasn’t sure what to do and froze a moment he wanted Atticus, but he didn’t know if he should move forward yet or not. Feelings were difficult sometimes for him. He swallowed as he looked at the Zeltron and smiled. "Seems i’m caught in a checkmate.
“….to….attach?” Given his voice, it might have seemed like he was teasing or poking fun. There was an understanding in his face, instead of mockery or anything even suggesting amything other than empathy. “So I take it that Jedi are not the only ones for whom such….things….are forbidden?”
“Not forbidden, I just…” He gently stroked Atticus’s cheek. “Being a slave I was forced to do some things and I just don’t want to force anything on you Atticus or force a choice on you, y'know.” He wiped a tear from his face as flashes of his slavery came up and the horrible treatment. “I’m sorry Atticus. I want you to be free without any manipulation to decide what you want to do and truth be told, I’m a little scared inside.”
The self-proclaimed failed Padawan blinked at this admission. He did not expect this raw emotion from Vance at the question.
Not like this, anyway.
“You are worried about forcing a choice on me? I don’t understand, Vance. What do you have to fear? Are you afraid of being alone, or being rejected, or…?
“I…yeah I am a bit afraid of being alone and rejected.” He let in a deep breath and exhaled. Of all things, here he was telling this padawan about his deeper sadder lifestory and own vulnerabilities. Still though..He cared and Atticus felt as he had told him safe.
“So you want to be….loved?”
Vance looked up at the ceiling a moment and then back down to into the grey eyes of the Jedi in his muscular arms before again blushing a bit. “Yes, I really do Atticus.”
Atticus reached down, holding Vance’s face. Gripped by a sudden bout of emotion, of inspiration, he leaned down to kiss Vance softly on the lips. After a moment, he pulled back and put his forehead against Vance’s.
“I will not abandon you. If you need a friend, if you need a companion, I will do that for you. You-you-you- kriff-” he sighed. “Y-you deserve some form of happiness. We can see. We can explore. We can discover. And whatever happens will happen.” A great well of emotion washed over him again.
Vance smiled surprised but so very happy as he embraced Atticus tightly. “Sounds like a solid plan to me Atticus, I would be honored to go on this journey with you.” He smiled as he softly stroked Atticus’s face and kissed him again. “How about we head home from this bar and I can show you my place.”
His heart pounded in his chest, and he felt his face grow even more flushed as Atticus grabbed the back of Vance’s head and kissed him again. “I think I would like that. I am-I-I-I am still not sure what the future might hold for me. I am not sure what it might hold for you. I never-I-I never imagined what sort of a future I could have that might include someone else. I am neither skilled, nor particularly charismatic. I cannot promise that I will never hurt you, or that I totally understand- well - all this. My heart is full of all sorts of confusing feelings, and my gut in a twist, and I feel more scared than I did before. If you will be patient with me, I think that we can discover things together. I just- I just- I don’t know as much about the galaxy as you do. I am not sure. I can say that kissing is nice. If other parts of relationships are as nice as that, then maybe there is a future to be seen. Just be kind to me, and I will try to do the same for you. Above all, I don’t want to hurt you.” He held Vance close. “Just please, be patient with me.” He closed his eyes, enjoying the feeling of the half-Sephi in his arms. “Just give me a little more time here, and then sure I would love to see your place.”
Of course my sweet Jedi.“ He leaned back against the booth as he let Atticus relax against him, his protective arms wrapping around his shoulders and resting on his chest as he held him. "I will give you all the time in the world to enjoy this place and this time. You deserve to be treated right Atticus, with respect for your wants, boundaries, and to be shown patience and love. For the moment I’m not going anywhere nor plan to for a bit. Right now I am enjoying this time we have had to talk, to share our hearts and feelings. It feels so good! And I hope that somehow everyday I can do something to make you feel happy and heard.”