“Do you think we can even trust them?” Sofila asked, her head rested back on the couch as she placed the datapad down on her lap. She turned to look at Cole.
Her sudden question was random. They were just chilling but it was obvious that a few things had been on her mind lately.
“The kriffing council, I mean. Will they actually destroy the pendant? What if they decide to send us to our deaths and not destroy the pendant when Scimitar is found?”
Cole was quiet for a few moments, lowering his datapad into his lap and considering. It’d be beyond stupid for them to not destroy it. They wanted Scimitar dead too afterall.
He’d had his own musings ongoing. The last few days had been quiet in every manner except their minds.
“It would be against their motives to send us to our death and leave an enemy alive. We could always demand proof before leaving for the mission, to confirm they aren’t lying about destroying it.”
“It would be. I don’t know. If they wanted to know how it works, who is to say they want to experiment more and doesn’t try something stupid to kill him, like a new grenade instead of destroying the pendant.” Sofila exhaled, her tone shifting over to annoyance before she caught herself.
She stayed quiet for a bit.
“Yea. Okay. Aking for proof would be good.” Then she found herself being paranoid about that. What if the proof was fake? Sofila mentally winced. Since when she became so paranoid lately?
Her hand rose as she rubbed her eyes. She lowered her hands and gave Cole a small smile.
“I should probably try not to spend too much time thinking about that, huh?”
“Unless you’re planning on tracking down Zxyl to ask him personally, no. All we can do is check and verify. I was planning on contacting Anders after a month or so, to check in and see what was going on. We have a right to know considering what we did to collect the thing.”
His voice was even, if tired.
“Don’t tempt me…” Sofila muttered half-jokingly at the idea of tracking down Zxyl. He was surely to be somewhere on Arx. How hard would it be for a QUA to ask some questions to find the man?
“How are you always one step ahead?” Sofila asked, giving him a compliment. She knew she can always rely on him to keep her grounded. To try to keep her logical.
Even though she struggles to think outside of her emotions.
“Yea. Contacting Anders would be a good idea. And if he does tell us but not the rest of the team, I think it would be good for us to tell the rest of the team too. Give them the peace of mind as well.”
“I’m used to needing to think like this. Life and death, expecting betrayals from anyone not entirely known.”
He shrugged, “I got Ricmore’s contact so I’d be able to pass it on to him and Savran. The others.. less so.”
Of course. It was what he was trained for. Kriff.
“I meant—“ she whispered and stopped herself, unsure how to even explain. Maybe it was best to let it go.
“We’ll figure it out.” Titius would be the most difficult to contact but there would be a way. She set aside her datapad and got up from the couch.
“We should go to bed,” Sofila suggested as she turn off her lamp on the end of the couch and started to make her way to the bedroom. Just glancing the bed—
Her heart dropped and she felt like she couldn’t breathe. Everytime they cuddle in bed, a certain situation crossed her mind and she couldn’t bring herself to say it or even talk about it. She felt like choking on the words everytime she tried.
I can’t ask him that…
“…What is it?”
It had been days of this. Of her clamming up right before going to bed. He’d refused to ask so far, giving her space to process whatever was going on but it couldn’t carry on like this. Whatever it was.
Sofila turned to look at him, her eyes meeting with his vibrant blues. Her heart twisted. It was wrong of her to even think about asking him such a thing but she was scared.
“Can we cuddle first?” She had tried to use cuddles in a way to tell him so she wouldn’t have to look at his face.
“Every time this happens it’s here, right before we get to bed..” Cole stated, remaining in place.
There’d be no distractions or diversions. This is how’d she’d act with him, after all. Kark, he’d have been cornered down after day one… he mentally shook the thought off.
“It’s because I think a lot during the day so I don’t think about it, and then when we’re about to go to bed, I suddenly think of it again-” Sofila winced. Kriff. He’s not backing down.
She crossed her arms and started to rub her upper arms as in a way of comfort. She made her way back and sat down at the edge of the couch. Not looking at him.
“I don’t want to say it but I need to know, that you-” She extended her arms and has her hands in middle of her thighs as she started to rub her hands nervously.
“I don’t trust me. I- What happened at that mission, many of you did better. Kark. That dagger, I felt it. Everything. I felt the burning pain. The sensation. The hotness of it all. My mind is weak. I’m so kriffing scared that when we face him, it would be easy for him to-” She grimaced and took a slow exhale.
“If it seems obvious I won’t snap out of it, will you be able to kill me?”
Cole watched her, not forcing her to make eye contact and glad for her avoidance as Sofila continued talking.
He hadn’t really dared make the comment, on how karking stupid opening that door had been. Another part of him suddenyl considered the fact Marick had been trying to teach her this kark but she’d avoided it out of feeling awkward.
Frustration built. Fear built.
Would he be able to kill her? He knew he was capable of harming those lost, those irretrievable from their own minds. But.. Sofila?
“It took him killing you to get into your head. It hasn’t happened since.” Her fear was just that, fear. Trauma. They knew for certain there was no lingering evil within her. “Just because he knows how to frighten you doesn’t mean he’s going to turn you into a puppet the moment you see him in the flesh.”
“It’s not just frightening me, Cole. Think about it. Everyone’s reactions. It was anxiety-inducing or anger or it was all mental…. but I felt the pain. I. Felt. It. The slick of the sharp blade. The hotness in my chest every time my heart pounded. I felt like I was going to get ripped apart.” Sofila scoffed as she leaned back and rubbed her eyes again, trying to keep her emotions down. She wasn’t sure how Cole would react if she started crying and they needed to get through this.
She… wasn’t sure how she was going to explain why it felt different for her than the others. It can’t be because she had experience it.
Can it?
“You still didn’t answer me.” She lowered her hands and finally turned to look at him.
Cole didn’t like the implication. He didn’t like any of it.
“You should stay behind then.” Any softness from his voice had drained away and all that was left was his usual tone. The one that gave nothing. He couldn’t deal with this, not all of him. The shield was raised. “If you are so concerned about being possessed, of being a liability and irretrievably ripped away from yourself mentally, then why the kark would you go? Why ask me to kill you, when there’s a karking solution that doesn’t require that. You aren’t stupid, Sofila. So explain.”
And just like that, Sofila shut down.
“I am a Mandalorian. We do not back down. Not after everything he did to us, to many innocents, to the family-” She couldn’t believe this. What the kark was he saying? He wasn’t wrong but she can’t just sit here and do nothing while they get to finish it. No. Sofila got up from the couch and made her way to the bedroom.
“Forget I said anything. And I am still going.”
“Then you should start actually training your mental fortitude with Tyris again. Build up the ability to resist intrusions. I haven’t bothered you about it but rather than asking me to kill you maybe you should prepare yourself to not need final plans.” Cole didn’t watch her go, keeping out of her way as she returned to the room and just standing there, still.
He felt cold. From the tips of his fingers, crawling up his arms. His legs.
Will you be able to kill me?
The fact he couldn’t say yes was as painful as being asked in the first place.
Sofila wanted to yell. She hated the idea of him getting into her mind or anyone really but what choice did she have? She needed to start somewhere so Scimitar wouldn’t just enter into her mind so easily. Cole was karking right and she hated every second of it. She wanted to fight. Physically. Not mentally. Kark. Something. Kick the bed even sounded good. No. She didn’t want to break anything. Not this time.
Instead, she plopped onto her side of the bed on her belly, grabbed her pillow and held it tight against her chest as she screamed into the pillow.
Cole stood there for a long minute, hearing the scream muffled as it was and eventually shifting to sit back down on the sofa.
He closed his eyes and practised the same breathing routine he’d had Hector do. In and out. On the count. Slow and careful, metered. Focussed.
She fought tooth and nail against everything that could help her, but threw herself into situations that makes her face the things she cannot do. It was infuriating.
Nothing. There was no noises. No movies or anything. Sofila hated the silence. Her eyes darted back to the door constantly. After awhile she had given up looking at the door and just… laid there. After a few hours, there would be a shift in the mattress and the small almost unnoticable creak of the bed as she walked to the doorway and looked over to Cole.
“… will you come to bed?”
By the time she’d come out Cole had sank into the seat, eyes still closed and with how still he was one could mistake him for being asleep if it wasn’t for quite how upright he was.
Honestly, he’d rather not. He was tired, that much was certain but he couldn’t get it out of his head.
Neither did he want her to know how much it had bothered him. That was a sure way for her to just not tell him things in the first place. As much as he may have preferred her not asking that of him, he still was glad to know what the karking problem in the first place was.
He realised after a moment that he’d failed to actually react to her speaking to him, belatedly opening his eyes and glancing in her direction.
“Will you sleep if I’m not there?”
Sofila felt her breath was taken away. What was happening between them? Her eyes started to burn and she was glad it was dim enough in the living room.
“Yea.” Sofila whispered quickly to avoid him hearing her choke. It would take a long time, but she would. Eventually. She turned and headed back into the room. She much rather get stabbed over and over again then that to ever happen.
It’s fine, it’s fine, he just needs space, he’s not clingy like me, it’s fine, it’s fine- Her trembling fingers messed with the datapad, it was difficult to see through blurred vision. Finally, a video played, she doesn’t even know which one she chose as she buried her face into the pillow and started to cry.
The video wasn’t loud enough.
Cole closed his eyes again. Logically he wasn’t the bad guy here. He hadn’t karked up opening a door in front of an enemy. He hadn’t ignored training himself to face threats he’s weak to. He hadn’t asked her if she’d be capable of karking killing him and then expected her to follow him to bed.
Yet it still hurt to hear her cry like that. To know it was because of him. The one damn person in his life he could protect, truly protect, and he was the one karking hurting her.
Everything felt heavy, nauseatingly so. He simply tucked his legs up onto the sofa with him and situated himself to be as comfortable as he could while still sat up. Sleep was unlikely to come, so sitting guard was the next best thing. It made him feel at least minutely useful, as eventually Sofila’s cries faded and the night became the sounds of the street outside. Drunken fervour and the ships of those working the late shifts arriving into port.
Sofila couldn’t sleep well. She kept waking up in between deep sleeps and when the video ends. She would glance over to Cole’s side and not find him there. For a moment, she grabbed her datapad and sent a message. When she was done, she pushed play on the video.
Still zoned out enough she had no idea what was playing until she got distracted by a ping from her datapad. That meant a quick respond to her message as Sofila winced, hoping the chime didn’t wake Cole up in the living room. She grabbed the datapad and changed the settings to mute the notifications for a few hours at least.
Cole took a moment to react himself, missing the shift of movement from her, but after a moment he got up, keeping his movements soft. Quiet. Walking heel to toe, a slow measured movement. He peered into the room, to see if she was awake and spotted her still fussing with the datapad afterwards.
With all intent to slip away unnoticed, he stepped back. And slipped. He caught himself but it still made a loud enough thud that downstairs likely heard it.
Sofila started to respond on the datapad but saw something moving in the shadows. She tensed and remembered that there was no one else here but Cole. She wanted to call out to him.
Instead, she bit her cheek and was going to leave him be– that did not last long when she heard the thud.
“Are-” Her voice croaked out, she didn’t realized how horrible she sounded from the crying. She quickly cleared her throat and tried again, “Are you okay?”
His heel was sore from the impact of saving himself but… “I’m okay.”
Well, neither of them were sleeping. Cole walked back into the bedroom, crossing over to sit on his side of his bed.
Sofila watched him enter the bedroom and for once, her heart didn’t leap. She felt ashamed. Exhausted. When he sat down, she can feel the weight of the mattress shift as she slightly turned to look at his back. Kriff. She desperately want to hold him and vice versa. With a rough swallow of acceptance that it was not going to happen, she turned her attention back to the datapad and quickly responded to the message.
She changed the settings to ‘Do Not Disturb’ and placed the datapad back down but it was off this time. The video earlier was to try to help her sleep. The silence was suffocating and heavy.
“I love you.” She wanted him to know that. Her hands clenched the pillow that she was resting on.
“I love you too.” Cole answered.
Despite everything, despite how messy things were, that wouldn’t change. He knew that.
He shifted to lay down, doubtful he’d have peaceful rest if he did manage to fall asleep but it was obvious Sofila wouldn’t be any time soon either.
Sofila was glad she already cried it all out. She felt like she would’ve cried more if she hadn’t. There was a long pause and she could just feel that he wasn’t asleep.
“I messaged Marick. We will meet soon.”
“Good.”
Hopefully she’d stick it out this time. Hopefully he wouldn’t need to fight with her to make her go.
Hopefully she wouldn’t lie about going.
Cole closed his eyes, paranoia surging and trying to quiet it.
Sofila turned her head and was facing his back. She considered for a moment to see if she could initiate cuddles. Her hand extended for a moment and froze mid way. Instead it rested in the middle of the bed as she closed her eyelids, trying to sleep.
He heard the movement but, with nothing coming after assumed she was just getting comfortable to sleep.