Blood, there was always so much blood. Everywhere, coating everything. Himself, everyone around him.
Dead eyes reflected the faint light above. Cole couldn’t move, the weight around his neck kept him pinned in place, muscles locked so he rested on his knees before the mangled mess of faces he once knew. Ones he barely recognised. Shadows clawed past where he could no longer see.
Should have run
They drove great gashes across his back, sending him falling, falling forward into the pile that disintegrated underneath him. Cole fell, pinned in place, trapped, paralysed as his stomach dropped and the air rushed-
Cole’s eyes snapped open, the man inhaling shallowly and panicking for a moment. He still couldn’t move, the shadows were still present and pressing, closer around him. Yet, the scent of fruit filled his nose and Sofila was still asleep. He shifted a leg, finding hers wrapped around his knee and working his consciousness up. Sofila had laid half across him, her head nestled just below his chin and her arm strewn across his chest.
Whatever she mumbled didn’t make enough coherent sense for Cole to understand but, she was asleep. The shadows was just the dark and the weight was his love.
According to his alarm, he only had an hour before he’d be up anyway, so he let his eyes close and focussed on her breathing. Then his own, as shallow panicked breaths calmed back into typical. Then slower, as sleep for once began to almost reclaim the Farrow. He barely noticed, not fully asleep but slipping half way there in a light doze.
The alarm went off.
Sofila does her usual morning soft whine as she nuzzled into Cole’s neck which, she was also nuzzling her own purple hair that had gotten free from the ponytail confines with the toss and turn she does at night.
“Mor-mrr-g” Unable to coherent the entire word itself, her arm and leg tightly clung to Cole as if not wanting to let him go but when he starts moving, that’s when she usually does anyways.
Work was work after all.
The alarm brought Cole back to full consciousness, jolting slightly in place as he often did upon waking although without the immediate panic. It took him several seconds to place what had happened, he’d only closed his eyes for a moment.
It hadn’t been that close to the alarm going off had it?
He raised his head, escaping the strand of hair that had made place across his face, at which point Sofila begrudgingly gave up her monkey hold of him.
“Morning.” Cole replied back as she did, letting his hand trace along her arm until Sof had rolled onto her back and off of him properly. Only then, did Cole shifted to sit up. Somehow he felt tireder than usual, despite sleeping better and presumably more from the missing hour. He yawned, rubbing across his eyes with the back of his hand.
Sofila grumbled as she buried further into the blankets and grabbed the sheets to put over her head. Then she turned over to her belly and scooted up. Now she looked like a mountain underneath the sheets.
Then she plopped back down. With a deep sigh and hatred of mornings, there was one thing she was curious about. Cole hasn’t been sleeping well since he went to work with Anders and kept a tight lip.
Then the mission for Taldryan.
She knew his new job would come with secrets but kark, the first several nights was rough.
Last night seemed to be better though?
“Mmm.” Sofila inched closer to Cole and pressed her cheek against his lower back. Still under the sheets, save for her face.
“Did you ‘eep better?” She blinked and cleared her throat. Why was morning so lame?!
“Did you sleep better?”
Cole chuffed, smiling at the messy amalgamation of that sentence. He glanced behind himself, at what little of her face was visible between the blankets, her hair and his shoulder blocking the view.
“Better, yeah.” He ran his fingers through his hair, looking straight again. “ I woke up an hour ago. Or, I did?”
Cole was still confused about that.
“Im not sure where the hour went.”
“That’s s'not bad…” At least he was finally starting to sleep a bit better. Sofila wasn’t sure what he meant when he’s confused about ‘where the hour’ went.
She was never good at time things. Besides the fact she does always show up to meetings or appointments early cause Wulfram’s teaching and it stuck to her.
Everything else?
She was time blind as a Loth-Bat. She watched him get ready as she was still trying to wake her own brain up. When he left the room, it was then she grumbled and slid off the bed.
Then she remembered one thing that always add a bounce in her step.
Breakfast!
Her hands went up as she tried to use her fingers to ‘brush’ back her hair into a ponytail as she made her way to the kitchen. The Caf machine was already doing it’s thing for Cole as she grabbed a glass and open the fridge to get herself started with some juice.
“Do.. you still like your job?”
Cole glanced sideways from the pan of eggs.
“Like it as in enjoy it or..?”
He looked back to the pan. It wasn’t an easy question to answer, a job is a job after all. Most people seemed to rarely actually like their work, or at least from what he knew of such things.
“Mm-” She pondered for a moment. He had a point. No one really one hundred percent enjoy their jobs but-
She slid onto the chair at the dining table and placed her glass down. Leaned down as she rested her head on the table. Her routine. Groggy in the mornings but at least she always try. And sometimes fail.
“I mean… I wasn’t happy with mine at Arcona, you know that. I think part of it was the whole Scimitar thing but sometimes I wonder cause I am happier with my new job here. Of course, there’s difficult moments and decisions but I feel more… I don’t know. I just wanted to make sure you didn’t regret taking up that job.”
Cole considered it. That was an easier metric to work with at least.
He shook his head, “I dont regret it. Its not easy and Anderson is an ass but, I feel better here too. Its like a weight was lifted.”
Which was strange. Logically Arcona hadn’t been that horrible, yet it felt as if every negative emotion there had been amplified.
It didnt start that way.
He frowned down at the pan, noticing thr eggs were done and lifting it, using a spatula to shifty them off onto thr plates prepared beside the stovetop.
Sofila grumbled rather loudly at the sound of Anderson name before sitting up and taking a sip of her juice.
“I don’t get why he’s hanging around and being so karking nosy, it’s not his stars-damn job anymore. He needs to kriff the back off.” With each cuss word, she lowered herself and mumbled into her juice, creating bubbles.
Though she grinned and nodded at the feeling the weight has been lifted.
“It… yea. That is one way of putting it.” Sofila was also just relieved he felt the same and seemed to be settling in Kasiya better. She glanced over to Cole as her eyes scanned him quickly.
His muscles are still tight but far less so than it was when they first met on Voidbreaker II. Even less jumpy and looking over his shoulder now.
Has she also changed so much?
“Hes still invested. With his position I can only do so much to block him out.” It was a nuisance, one that had nearly been deadly twice now.
He still wasnt sure exactly how to inform Sofila. Cole’s last conversation with Evelyn indicated it was likely something he should talk about, even if he was reluctant, but bringing it up felt like it’d lead to an assassination plot.
Cole passed her a plate, noticing her staring and his frown fading. He offeref a small smile, sitting down beside her.
It was hard to tell if it was Scimitars presence being long gone or the move away from Dajorra, but she was back to her energetic self. If more controlled. He raised an eyebrow.
“What are you thinking?”
“His position is on a whole ass another planet. That man needs a hobby or something. Or go be a good husband. I don’t see how he’s married but then again I never met… uh, Elenore? Oh! Evelyn. Maybe she’s just as bad as she is.” Sofila grumbled as she thanked Cole when he handed her the plate.
Sofila took a bit when he asked her a question as she grinned and made sure to finish the bite she had.
“Just… our lives on Voidbreaker II, before Scimitar I mean. You seem… happier. Maybe less tense? I hope. And then I started to think if I’ve changed too, besides ya know, the whole thing of anger, malice, rage and doom inside of me.” Sofila playfully rolled her eyes.
“She’s not.” Cole answered. As much as Evelyn pissed him off sometimes, she was a better person than Anderson. Yet… well. He shook his head, “He.. well, shes probably given him kist on my behalf at this point.”
There. Started that ball rolling.
He ate another bite before continuing.
“There was just… something about Selen. Its easier here, just existing. And you, you’ve changed.” Cole paused, considering his words. And still passively mulling over why Selen had felt so dangerous. Every day had felt like he was being watched and waiting for a knife to go into his back. But he focussed forward, meeting Sofila’s gaze, “Youre more controlled and focussed. Youre still you, but less… I wouldn’t say naive but less likely to take a stranger to a hotel room alone just because he performed the bare minimum kindness for you.” He smiled ever so slightly, humor laced into his words.
Sofila rolled her eyes while chewing her food.
“Okay, to you it might be the bare minimum but it was the world for me. I do admit it might’ve been a smidge stupid to cling onto a random stranger during a storm.” Sofila grinned then shuddered as she remembered how much that stupid tropical storm sucked.
“Now, back to, what the kark do you mean that Evelyn may have give him kist on your behalf?”
Cole had shrugged. It may have meant the world but hed have been an asshole to act any different that day.
Then the dreaded question came. He was expecting it and still didn’t know how to broach the subject further. As pissed as he was, and as much as he was going to set up proof for Anders that he wasnt butting heads with someone lesser, it…
Sofila was going to be mad.
“He overstepped. Im going to handle it and it was fine. Well. Maybe-” stumbling. Stop stumbling. Why was this always so hard comparative to sharing other kist?
“It will make my job much harder if you go to try and kill him Sof.” He ended up landing on.
And immediately realised that that likely didnt help his case.
A chill went down her spine. The fork was placed down and the plate was pushed away.
What the kark Anderson do to Cole that made him think that she would kill someone over it? Yes, Anderson was an asshole and puts his nose where it didn’t belong but she wouldn’t kill him over that.
Kark the whole fact that Cole’s job might be harder if she tried something. That was not on her mind.
“Cole, what the kark?”
Cole sighed, looking down at the food for a moment before leaning back, still holding the fork.
“He tried to intimidate me over the Foggy Butcher case. I was still information gathering and he decided to try to make a point. He used the force.” Cole debated leaving it there but the assumptions from that would be worse than reality. Probably. It still was weird, uncomfortable even, to sit and just talk about being overpowered like that.
But she knew his weaknesses better than anyone.
“I was unaware force users could choke people through holo displays. I turned it off before it got too dangerous and im not planning to let it go unanswered either way.”
For the longest moment ever, Sofila did not say a word. Instead, she was staring at the plate she had already pushed aside and not wanting to look at Cole.
Because she was afraid she was going to snap.
Then finally.
“I’m going to karking kill him,” she got up from the seat.
It had been a painful silence. He glanced sideways at her, awkwardly eating more from his plate while awaiting whatever reaction there would be. The tension built until as much as he wanted to break the silence, his voice was locked behind hearing hers.
Then she spoke. Cole stood up with her, half primed for the moment and getting between her and the doorway out of the kitchen.
“No you wont. Ive got it handled.”
Sofila’s eyes narrowed as she huffed. She didn’t want to insult Cole’s honor or whatever the kark reasoning he was not letting her go bash that Chiss’ head into a goddamn desk.
Or wall.
Maybe both.
“Even then, he needs to karking know that kist is not okay!”
“And I can remind of him of that myself.” Cole felt his jaw clench.
this is why this is why-
He exhaled slowly, forcefully controlled, “I’ve played these games before, i know what i’m doing Sofila.”
Sofila looked hurt. As if he kicked her puppy or something like that.
“Your life isn’t a karking game, Cole.”
“Thats not what I said.”
You shouldn’t have said anything. You knew this would happen, now shes hurt, it wasnt worth it.
He blinked slowly, letting his gaze shift away from Sofila’s, trying to brush the thoughts off. The windows, the doors, all clear. Private.
“He puts my life at risk, I remind him that his isnt guaranteed either. Whatever you want to call it, you attacking him does nothing but aggravate him. Hes the combat master of the brotherhood, killing him will only mean you recieve punishment from the Council.”
Sofila started to chew on her cheek as she still couldn’t believe it all.
Anders harmed Cole. Cole was defending that karking ugly ass Chiss -
Then she scoffed at hearing the Brotherhood name and more importantly, the kriffing Council. Usually they wouldn’t care if it was a lowly member against another but Anderson was the Combat Master.
Some karking Combat Master, he’s a coward.
So what if she gets punished? She would be doing this galaxy a suns damn favor by eliminating Anderson from it. Her arms were crossed across her chest, shoulders were still tensed, and her jaw was insanely tight.
The quiet was somehow worse than Sofila’s outward rage.
It held, stasis filling the room as they stood barely a few feet apart yet with miles between them. Where was the dissonance coming from?
Was he really that broken and just couldn’t see it? Was this how he ought to respond, rather than plotting a revenge and feeling shame for it even being known of? Was Sofila acting in naivete or not? Neither of them had led normal lives.
Nor each others.
Cole couldn’t meet her eyes, turning slightly away so it seemed more purposeful than uncomfortable. Seemed. Exasperation flooded through him, released only as a shallow sigh.
“I dont want you to do it. Nor can I stop you. Take that as you will.” Quiet, metered. Not closed off but, defeated. He walked back toward thr bedroom, breakfast only half eaten but needing to dress for work.
Sofila scoffed when he was out of earshot and made her way to the living room, grabbed one of those little pillows and screamed in it.
He was dressed some 5 minutes later, having taken some time. The scream had been audible. Cole had resisted the urge to go back half dressed and had impatiently done every single button up properly.
Very properly.
Slowly.
He hesitated before exiting the bedroom, eyes landing on Sofila’s still prone form. It would be funny if they weren’t still tense.
“My plan is to set up a trap for his office. He enters and a series of smoke and flash grenades will activate, likely with a grav grenade in the sequence before he can escape the room. I won’t be present when it occurs. But I’ll make sure to leave a reminder that any of those could have been a true explosive. And ill be sure to avoid holocalls for… a while after that occasion.”
Sofila listened while the pillow was still on her face. There was a few muffled grumbles underneath it.
-# “Fine.”
Then she realized that he may not have heard it before removing the pillow and sitting up.
“Fine but if he retaliates, either we or I, give him a nice little talk.”
She moved her legs to criss cross pattern and leaned forward, obviously still grumpy about the whole thing.
But at least her mind shifted from how to deliver a threat and Anderson understanding just who the kark they are and her kriffing family to what strenuous physical activity can she do today?
It was Cole. He had heard her, though appreciated the effort. His shoulders relaxed and he gave a short a nod.
“Ill accept that.”
Compromise. That.. worked. That was what couples did.
“Ive got to head out to work. Ill see you later, yeah?” He crossed the room to beside the front door, pulling on his shoes.
Sofila plopped back down when Cole had agreed. So that was something at least.
Still, karking-
“Yea, might go for a climb or something but will text you with updates.” Sofila promised. She has been whenever she goes somewhere or even send selfies/pictures.
Cole, despite the randomness of Sofila, there was some things that was almost routine. Sure enough, there was selfies of her climbing somewhere, some random fauna, bugs, and even a picture of a hole in her shoe.
Added by the fact she already bought new shoes afterwards.
Then there’s the concerning part. Usually, Sofila would be sending random messages all day. If it stops it usualy means she’s doing something new. Or there was something she discovered and cannot tell him yet but usually spill the beans faster than the caf maker in the morning when Cole gets home.
Sofila paced in the living room, almost bouncing and skipping but their space wasn’t big enough for her to do that.
Besides with the excitement, she figured she might miscalculate a step and fall onto something. And it wouldn’t be the first time.
-# Perhaps not the last.
It was impossible for there not to be something up. As soon as she stopped her adventure for the day, the random messages, check ins and images of random animals came to a screeching halt.
However she would respond when he checked in. Almost too non-suspiciously.
It was enough, however, to stop him worrying that she’d been attacked, kidnapped or otherwise incapacitated while he was at work. He slid his keycard over the apartment door’s scanner, the faint ping familiar to the point of irrelevancy on his mind. Cole stepped inside, precisely on time with a curious glance beyond the threshold for whatever was in store.
“EEH! I was going to wait but I couldn’t-” Sofila grabbed a box off of the couch and made her way over to Cole and handed him the box with a big smile on her face.
“I was shopping you know, for the shoes because of the stupid hole. It was that one rock- wait, okay, so, I was shopping and then I remembered I heard about these-” She lifted hte box a little bit to show him that she was talking about the item in the box. “And figured maybe it would be good for you! Course, a lot of people said it doesnt work for them but I figure why not give a try? After all, not all size fit all, did you know that they didn’t have my size for my shoes!?”
Cole held his hands out for the box, leaning slightly forward when the damn thing weighed a kark tonne. Shoes? Were these really heavy shoes for him or for her or- No this was irrelevant. She got this while looking for the shoes.
Mystery solved, Cole slipped his shoes off and crossed toward the table, placing the box down. Good for him?
“Where… were you shopping?”
He asked slowly, pulling his knife from its spot on his belt and starting to undo the packaging.
“Oh! At the shopping center, you know, they have more than one stores so walked around a bit, saw that they had it- And yea- Go on!” She gestured excitedly towards the box.
The weighted blanket would have a quilt pattern. It has gentle orange and yellow patches with soft purple and blue embroidery on it.
Cole opened it up under her instruction. It was a absurdly heavy blanket, decorated and reasonably large.
He had to lift it twice to get it all out of the box, laying some partially onto the couch and looking down at it.
With mild confusion.
“Its a nice blanket. Why… is it heavy?”
He was trying to not rude. But, huh.
“Oh! So it’s called weighted blanket and it’s suppose to help with a looooot of things. Deeper sleep, less nightmares, it’s- well, it says it’s like being hugged all night, something about boosting some brain chemistry- uh, the happy one that is and makes the person who is sleeping with that feel more relaxed and at ease. Course, the guy at the check out said it helped a lot of people but not everyone, but I figured, what the hey, why not try it and see what happens?”
“Huh.”
Cole wasn’t sure exactly what else to say to that. It made logical sense with what he knew of biology and such, though he was rather skeptical. Still, it was a gift and it wouldn’t hurt to try so long as Sofila didn’t try to drop it on him in the literal sense.
“May as well, I suppose. Just, at night or…?” He placed it down, folding it over itself. He needed to make dinner yet, so there was certainly no immediate testing.
“Oh! That’s a good question actually-” Sofila frowned as she made her way towards the couch and grabbed her datapad.
“I’ll look it up while you cook!” Sofila grinned as she was already typing away and headed to the kitchen to sit down by the island while Cole cooked.
And of course, the results didn’t take long- “So! Yes at night and apparently you need to give it a few weeks to really see if it works cause it’s kind of like changing habits, no one can immediately get used to something new, that maeks sense I guess, reminds me of the time- wait- backtrack, right.” Sofila took a deep breath to remind herself not to go off topic.
“However, it said you can use it during the day too if you feel anxious or needed it or whatever but you got me for that instead. It’s just sometimes I roll over or get away from you at night so I figured maybe the blanket would be better.” And then Sofila grumbled.
“You have me during the day though. When you’re not at work that is.”
Cole considered the information. He disliked the idea of ~anxiety~, but grumbled internally rather than externally.
“I am not taking it to work.” He answered, when he finally did. He held out a scrap piece of veggie, letting Sof take it and moving to put the food onto the heat. “I can try it, for sleep. The nightmares are…. actually starting to get better. Things that wouldn’t help before may, help now.”
It felt strange to say but it was undeniable. Sleeping through the night used to be something that’d happen maybe once a month. Now, it was nearing weekly. They were getting less severe.
Cole frowned. It was hard to not consider everything they did when the nightmares began. What the final call was, what he’d said. And now, over a decade later, he’d done it. And it worked. He stared down at the food.
“Kark.”
Sofila blinked in confusion at Cole’s firm statement of him not taking the blanket to work.
Oh no. Did she say something wrong? Then she realized the last thing she said.
“Oh, I meant when you’re home and I’m home, I’m here but if I’m not here, there’s- sorry.” She took the vegetable and started to slowly munch on it. Though she was very pleased to hear that his nightmares had lessen. She kissed him on the side of his temple.
“I’m glad!” Then she frowned when he stared at the food and cussed. Now, cussing was not the abnormaility, it was why? The food looked to be fine. Not even close to burnt.
“What is it?‘
Cole smiled half heartedly at the kiss, sighing when she asked.
Because he knew she would. Really it made little sense to not tell her. Sof had gotten better about hounding for him answers, but cole was making an effort to give up information he usually wanted to hide.
This was one of them.
“When the nightmares started, we tried everything to make them better. Too many damn pills, different bedding types, white noise. The final call when none of it worked, was that I needed to get away for a couple years, away from any stressors.”
He mixed the food, ensuring it didnt actually end up burning.
“I opted not to. I didnt want to leave home. Now… well. And now its getting better.”
It was bittersweet. A guilty grief coating relief of over a decade sleep deprived.
“Oh. I think my therapist put it well about that…” Sofila grinned, half surprised she remembered something from therapy.
“Something about how a fire damages and burns us all… but if a fire is familiar… sometimes we’re willing to burn in it. We don’t realize how bad it is until we leave the fire itself. Something like that.” Sofila grumbled now disappointed she didn’t fully remember but at least she got the gist.
She hoped.
Cole considered for a few moments, nodding slowly. It didnt make sense, exactly, but the concept came through either way. He’d always known his normal wasn’t normal, but… maybe hed taken too much pride in that idea. Too stubbornly determined.
Yet it all came back to his father. Not wanting to abandon the family.
“Its weird to think that if I had left, I wouldnt have been kidnapped for that second time. Wouldn’t have been around for Zuza trying to wiggle her way in, though she’d have probably tracked me down anyway.” Cole huffed, trying to steer the conversation away slightly though, it was all strange to imagine how different it could have been.
Would he have gone back after a few years away?
Sofila paused on the words of second kidnapping. It took her awhile but then she finally remembered it. She felt the hot burns on her back just by going off of memory. Thankfully, her back was unscarred but Cole’s…
Sofila wished she had photographic memory. Could just plug in the faces of the attackers, find them herself, and-
“Huh?” She rose her head as she realized she got distracted. Zuza. Right. Where was that woman now? Then Sofila smirked.
“I mean, if she and I are kinda similar in some ways, I certainly wiggled my way in, hmm?”
Cole noticed the pause. He’d told her about that, but that reaction was… visceral.
Hm.
He let the conversation move, shifting thr pan off of the heat and to the prepared plates.
“Wiggled your way in is one word for it.” He chuckled, “Another would be punting down the door. Which, still not dissimilar to Zuza. She very literally ran into me once when we were kids, and never really left. Perhaps I have a type.” He offered a small smile to Sofila, “Not that I’m complaining.”
Sofila grinned as she kissed Cole on the cheek.
“Oh, did you get that mug and the note I left you at work? Those lips I drew were horribly drawn but I hope it looks like lips…” She grabbed the plates and set them on the table where the silverware and their usual drinks were waiting.
“It did.” Cole answered, considering for a moment before asking, “Why didnt you just, put lipstick on and kiss it?”
Genuine curiosity filled his voice. It wouldnt be the first time shed opted to hand do something rather than skip a step. It was hard to tell when it was purposefully or not.
Sofila swung her leg over to sit down and completely froze.
She did not think of that. Her eyes widened. It was obvious she did not think of that.
“I- gimme the note, I’ll make a new one.”
Cole bit back the urge to laugh.
“I can get you a fresh one?”
Sofila pouted.
“Noooo that one is horrible, let me make you an actual one-” Her hand still extended for him to give her the note. “-Gimme.”
“You can make me a new one without covering the old one.” Cole pointed out, watching her with a faint smile he didnt particularly notice himself making.
“Or I could throw the old one away and make a new one. Coooome on, Cole,” pouted Sofila.
“It’s a horrrible drawing, nothing needed to be remembered by. What if someone thinks it’s a picture of a…. ya know. Cause that’s what I totally thought it looked like at first and tried to correct it and it got worse and thn I got distracted because I lost the red pen somewhere- managed to find it and went back to the drawing and cringed but I was running out of time because you were coming back to the office and I had a mission and ran out then back in to grab the stupid red pen and back out again- wait where was I going with this?”
“That you need a new piece of paper to put your lips onto.” Cole answered, eating a bite of food.
He wanted to keep it more now, it was stupid sentimentalism but it was still sweet. And it was hers.
“Oh yes, I do need- Hold on jussssst a minute.” She squinted at Cole.
“No, no, no,” She reached her hand over and make grabbing motions with it.
“Let’s throw away the horrible one and give you the better one, yes?” She playfully pouted then it was followed by a roll of her eyes.
“Alllrrriight.” She grumbled knowing that he wasn’t going to give it up.
Yet, deeeeep down inside, she loved it. Because it meant whenever he looks at that stupid karking goofy-ass-bad-looking lips on the paper, it’ll remind him of this conversation at least.
Cole smiled, a small mischievous thing.
“After we eat, for now let’s not let this cool off while we’re here.”
He sat down after placing her plate in her usual spot.
Sofila grumbled in defeat as she sat down and stabbed a food with her fork. While she chewed on her food, she still squinted at Cole playfully.
It didnt take them long to finish eating, to get the dishes dealt with and evening activities to resume.
Cole had delicately pocketed the original kiss-doodle, settling down on the couch with his data pad.
“Do you think Asani and Meero are going to get married?”
The question was out of the blue, mostly, but Cole had ulterior motive. He was sure Sofila would enjoy the thought though.
“Wouldn’t surprise me,” Sofila then chuckled, “Maybe the same way that Buirs did, they just got married over the comm.”
Then she looked puzzled.
Not the reason Cole thought-
“I wonder if it was during a mission? Fighting? Something? I don’t know, there was a lot of shouting and bam- they were married.”
“Did they have a combat officiant?” Cole smiled slightly, leaning back and slipping an arm around Sofila.
“Asani doesnt seem like the type to.. do a whole wedding I suppose.”
Dammit how did he ask without asking.
“Nope, in Mando culture, well, ours that is, just say the vows and tadaaaa! Poof! You’re married! Varies to different clans, tribes, locations, and so on forth of course.”
Sofila’s brows furrowed. She opened her mouth and then closed it. Opened it, closed it.
“Hm,” She finished eating and quickly put her dishes away as she texted to Asani:
Do you still have that scrapbook where you made allll those pretty things you wanted in your wedding?!
“Hm?” Cole repeated the noise questioningly, though internally panicking.
Would sof want just that? He.. kind of didnt. Small was great but just saying some words seemed… But… well, theyd work something out.
He ate another bite of food, finishing up and beginning to get up, albeit a little unsteadily. Balance was weird.
“Hm?” Sofila looked up from her screenie and blanked for a moment.
Then back to her screen.
“Oh! I was texting Asani, she had-” Then she grinned, wondering if she should reveal something like this to him? Would it be embarrassing for Asani?
Probably.
Oh well.
“Asani had this thick-” Sofila gestured by using both of her hands, “-scrapbook, okay I’m overexaggerating.” She changed it to one hand and emphasis on the thick book.
“She had wedding ideas on it, everything she wanted, I asked if she still have it, I hope she does! If not, knowing Buir, he might that sucker stashed somewhere…. I hope not the attic. I hated the attic.” Sofila grumbled.
It’s amusing to hear a grown woman admitting she hates the attic.
Ding
“Oh she text- OH THAT SCHUTTA, I’M CALLING BUIR!”
Cole blinked twice, leaning on the counter as Sof paced while she typed and slipping past her.
“Why.. do you want to see the scrap book if you guys dont… do the whole ceremony thing?”
“Because Asani wanted it. It was her dream. I wonder if it’s because us being mando made her change her mind. Dammit, where is Buir!?” She scrolled down the long
long
long
list of names on her comm…
“I didn’t have one cause I didn’t care about fancy weddings but she did, you know?”
“Oh. Yeah that makes sense.”
Cole popped the dishes into the washer. Ok. Today wasnt the day. Though.. better expectations now at least. Maybe- no. No.
“What did she say that youre telling your Buir on her?”
ding
Cole looked into the living room, a concerned look on his face.
“Yes she- UGH.” She found Buir number and waited for him to answer. Then a ding.
“Stars! Asani! She just asked if you proposed!” Sofila furiously texted her back, stating that Cole did not propose and that her sister was not going to be the one to find out before her.
Then Cole’s datapad dinged.
Sofila locked eyes with him and squinted.
“Was that her?” She looked ready to pounce on Cole.
Cole was walking over to it by the time she turned on him.
He raised his hands defensively, “Sof ive not even made it there yet.”
He picked it up a few seconds later, leaning against the arm of the couch.
“..oh it was her. She-” he sighed.
Well kark.
In a moment, she was on Cole, not in a very uncomfortable way, but in a way when they both had wrestle.
For sparring and…. for fun.
“Gimme the- karking- stars! I’ll tell her off for you!”
Cole struggled, though she got him at the right angle to slip it out of his hands and pin him with an elbow against the wall to prevent immediate revenge.
Cole grumbled, “Its my leg thats missing not my hand.”
“Along with a piece of my heart-” Sofila grumbled back as she kissed him on the cheek playfully and went to grab the datapad.
“Stars! She asked you too!? Let me-” She pushed the button to call her but it went straight to her commail.
Sofila squinted. Did she suddenly went into dead zone or got her comms jammed?
“Why did she immediately think you would propose? All I did was to make sure her dream come true!”
Because she picks up on hints faster than you apparently. Works for me but kark-
Cole cleared his throat. Still pinned.
“May i have a less intimate relationship with the wall now.”
“Oh! Yes-” Sofila grinned sheepishly as she freed Cole and handed his datapad back.
“I’ll call Buir later and find out about that scrapbook and chuck it at her head…” Sofila grumbled.
Cole pocketed the comm, a slight smile on his face despite the tumble of emotions.
“You may have to dodge Asani throwing it at you first.”
Sofila scoffed and waved it off as she sat down on the couch.
“She would destroy it… so I would have to make sure to have copies and maybe talk to her privately about having her dream realized no matter what.” Then she groaned as she tilted her head back and looked at the ceiling.
“Siblings.”
Cole wandered back into the kitchen, grabbing a dish and continuing the task.
A sad smile crossed his face, getting exactly what she meant but… Well. Anyway.
Move on.
“Are you sure its still her dream? Its a good idea but, people do change when they grow up.”
“I mean- I want to show her the option is there and screw the culture,” Sofila shrugged, “What she do after is up to her. Asani is worse than me about putting up a front and hiding things to fit in…”
“Heh. Yeah.” Cole less spoke and more so huffed the affirmative, staring down at the dishes.
“You didnt make a scrapbook?” He asked, pushing for a teasing tone. Even if it was very not sof, it.. well. Maybe.
“Nope, it was stupid. Ugly dresses and-” Sofila visbly shuddered. Then she pondered for a moment and realized something.
“Wait, not like I hate dresses, I love the ones you gave me it’s just- I mean-” She started to jumble up words into a incoherent twenty syllable word that did not exist in any language. Then she took a deep breath.
“I guess it’s more so I wouldn’t like all that attention.. and having to be still and quiet while the whole vows part and looking all cute and- not for me. I can see Asani doing it or maybe two of my other siblings- Absolut-karking-ly, however not me.”
Then her eyebrow rose and glanced over to Cole, “Of course that can change on my partner- why are you asking? Did you want a nice wedding?”
Then it hit her. All this talk about the wedding, has she ever really thought about her future? Sofila was never the one to think about future, she was constantly on the in and the now.
Cole chuckled at the string of noises, finishing up the dishes as she spoke in time for her to ask that with him actually facing her. Not that he couldn’t have faked a calm expression but… at home, with Sof, he’d been working on not… doing that.
So the mildly embarrassed surprise was entirely visible when they made eye contact. He broke the contact immediately, leaning back against the counter in an attempt to look chill and glancing toward the front door. His arms crossed low over his stomach.
“Well.” He started, then realised he had no real answer. Yes, kind of? Want? He hadn’t thought about it extensively but, well, if he ever had managed to marry someone he- It looked like a nice event, happy, and-
Cole’s thoughts delved into a similar non-sensical mix that was all too similar to the sound Sofila just made.
“Maybe?”
Sofila stared. For an almost uncomfortably long time.
“Oh!” She never expected Cole the type to want a ceremony.
“Um- Like a really small one or a lavished big one with six buffet tables or…I -” Her brows furrowed in confusion. Wait. The sudden talk of the wedding and him wanting one, oh!
She hoped that didn’t deterred him from wanting to live out his dreams!
“Oh wait- if you- I mean- if we- well- Only if you want- I-” Then she lowly grumbled with a random words combined into something that could be it’s own language.
“If you- you know-” Her cheeks became the color of reddish brown, “-want to marry me, I’m down for getting the wedding of your dreams.”
Cole wanted to shrink out of existence. Which was strange because this was a happy topic but- Well.
“It’s not really- I don’t have a dream about it I just- Well.” He exhaled, discomfort rising by the moment. “I didn’t know your thoughts on it. I didn’t want to..”
Well he wouldn’t have planned it without her anyway. Really he’d been trying to work out how she’d like to be proposed to and then got off topic. His cheeks flushed slightly, trying to not be embarrassed but-
“It’s just people… kinda normally. Do.”
God he was stuttering like an idiot.
Sofila looked at him in a rather puzzled expression.
She felt her heart was ready to jump out of her chest. And stars, how come the stomach hurts when one was nervous and excited?
What was going on?
“People.. kinda normally, do…” Sofila repeated, her brows maintained in it’s bewilder expression, “Marry me?”
Cole took a second to process that. It never ceased to amaze him how, he, someone who usually was insanely quick to pick up on emotions, meanings and most other things could be thrown into an absolute blank spot by Sofila for a moment. It was a good thing, an amusing thing he loved about her, but the mental blue-screen in the midst of the other uncomfrtoable emotions raising the heat in his cheeks and neck did not process well.
He opened his mouth once, blinked, realised and then went wide eyed. “No!”
Frack.
“I mean a ceremony. Something. Weddings.”
“Oh!” Sofila’s voice chimed and then followed by a defeated, “….Oh.” So he didn’t have any intentions or had plan to marry her. She cleared her throat and tried to steady her emotions.
“Yes, I- uh, I think some people do work together to make their ceremony, wedding, bindings, or whatever they do as happy as possible. Yea, I would work with-” She paused for a moment, confusion still set in.
Work with who? Him? He just quickly said no. But she didn’t want to assume.
“My partner…?” It wasn’t like she could exactly get out of the sentence.
“I- Sof.” Cole quickly realised how badly he had screwed this up. Shooting himself wouldve been less painful.
“A wedding with you. To you. Thats-”
The words stuck in his throat, eventually managing to find the correct logical sounding combination that made sense to him.
“When people get married they usually have a ceremony or something. Thats what I meant. So, when.” He froze midsentence. When. when.
Coward won’t say it.
“When. We. I assumed. I.” He inhaled slowly, forcefully, closing his eyes for a second. He was not about to propose right now in the trashiest way possible but kark words. This was awful. Why did he start this? Reangle, ignore follow up return to problem point. “I thought you meant, people marrying you. Other people.”
The last few minutes had been a roller coaster for the pair of them. She was excited, annoyed, excited again, anxious, and then sad.
“Oh! No- I-” She was even more confused. There was a moment of quiet with the awkward bantha in the corner, growing bigger by each passing moment.
Then she softly laughed and shook her head.
“I don’t think we both ever been in this… mess? since we said strings.”
Cole let out a nervous laugh, a short noise that left him feeling worse for it.
Yet also not.
“Yeah.”
Was this awkward? It kind of was. Frack.
Frack it.
Cole crossed the room, took her face into his hands and kissed her.
Sofila was caught off-guard as she was obviously surprised. Yet, she slightly smiled in the kiss. When they stop, she squinted at Cole playfully. Usually, it’s her that goes across the room to want something like that, not so much Cole unless he gets in the mood but usually he’s slow about it.
Which drives her nuts.
And he knows it.
She tilted her head towards the general area where the bedroom was, “Was that an attempt at a distraction? Because it’s working.”
“More so resetting.” Cole admitted, the red tinge still lingered on his cheeks. His hands lowered to her shoulders. “I love you Sofila, and someday I do want to marry you. However that day ends up looking.”
He exhaled, his frame relaxing somewhat.
“I can keep distracting you now if you want.”
“Oh!” Her smile practically beamed. Any more, you would think the sun had came barging into the room like kool-aid man.
-# Oh yeah!
“I love you too Cole and I look forward to that day…whenever it may be.” Then she giggled, her hands going to the collar of his shirt and pulling him towards her, “I’m always down for the most amazing Cole distraction technique…”
“Did I patent it?” He asked, a smile on lips before he kissed her again.
Hours passed, dinner came and went and the pair found themselves in bed for the nights rest.
While skeptical, Cole had pulled the weighted blanket over himself, before shoving an arm around Sof anyway. They settled, Cole taking a little longer to fall asleep.
Though, unfortunately, as Sofila predicted the blanket wasnt going to fix anything in one night.
Thunderous cracks rang over his head, he was running from chunks of rock and remnant blocks of building, but found himself stuck. His leg had gone, leaving him falling- falling.
Face down with the hum of a lightsaber burning the back of his neck. It was red then blue then green then red, each blink Cole dared to allow himself changing reality.
He reached a hand forward, trying to drag himself forward and watching as, inches from his hand, the pinkish blue glare of a lightning bolt-
Cole snapped awake, jolting in place and shifting to sit up in an instant. His breath was coming in panicked gasps, as if he hadn’t been able to breathe before. He shifted backward, still half expecting the lightning strike to come down from the ceiling.
It took longer than expected for Sofila to fall asleep. She was too kriffin excited. They had said I love you before but it was never often. Yet, the thought of a wedding just had her want to burst out in energy and jump on the bed.
Yet, it was time to sleep.
She can’t wait till it was time for them to get married. When would be time? What would be the time? What time was it-
Her eyes darted to the clock. Oh. It’s only been one minute. Kark. It felt like it’s been twenty already.
Wedding. Would Cole want her to wear a dress? Maybe she should let him pick it out- wait wasn’t that bad luck? There’s her siblings.
Oh, that’s a lovely thought, having her siblings pick out her dress. That would be a great memory-
Then she grimaced. Bad idea. Bad idea. Baaaad idea.
Time? Two minutes!? Frack!
The jolt also woke her up and she quickly made sure there was nothing else. With his breathing and her not sensing anyone… she figured it may have been another nightmare.
“I’m here..” Sofila sleepily muttered, her hand gently placed on Cole’s arm as she slowly worked her way to cuddle with him. Last time she tried too fast and it didn’t bode well. It needed to be steady and slow, for his brain to register. She constantly remind to herself to be patient and wait for his breathing to go down before she goes closer.
He jumped in place again at the touch. A flinch, though he slowly leaned back into the warmth of her hand. It was quiet. Dark.
Cole watched the room with suspicion, but when nothing shifted through the shadows nor bumped in another room his breathing began to calm. His hand found Sofila’s, entwining their fingers together slowly. Grounding himself with her though…. He glared at the bedroom door for a moment, half wanting to go check the apartment but for what? Lightning?
No. Dumbass.
He started to settle back down, having to more so shove himself under the weighted blanket to get comfortable again. “I’m sorry,” He mumbled as he finally got back where he could lay on the pillow, allowing Sofila to predictable wrap herself around him.
“Mmm, no it’s okay.” Sofila reassured as she wrapped around him and nuzzled into his hair.
“The usual nightmares?”
Cole rested his head on hers, his cheek squishing somewhat but it was comfortable.
“No. Well… yes. I don’t know.” He grumbled, still watching the room but relaxing under Sofila.
“Oh, not a bad thing if you already forgot what it was.” Usually sometimes, nightmares were fleeting moments and can be forgotten if she goes back to sleep and wakes up later.
It wasn’t the case for Cole always, but very few times, she thinks it has.
She’s not sure.
“No I just… it’s not the usual but it’s not… unusual either.” It was hard to form thoughts, between being tired and still half hyped on adrenaline. He gurmbled again, softer and barely audible, as if the thought more escaped him than was intentionally spoke them. “Stupid karking island.”
Sofila closed her eyes but then frowned as she reopened them. Not that it made any difference in the dark. But this was the first time she heard about an ‘island’?
“Island?”
“Mrmm?” Cole felt her shift slightly.
Wh.. islan- wait.
He stiffened in place, waiting to see if shed press the issue. Or more so when. Frack.
Sofila grumbled a bit.
“Tomorrow. Sleep now.”
Cole kissed the top of her head, relaxing again with a slow exhale. Tomorrow fine.
For once, despite that, it did not take him long to fall asleep again.
Sofila grumbled as she faceplanted onto the dining room table while waiting for the food.
“Morning,” she said rather lazily.
Cole had already made good time on making breakfast, placing a plate down at a safe distance from Sofila’s head.
“Morning.”
He didn’t feel greatly rested, a cup of caf already in hand, but it could have been worse.
There was a mumble, but Cole would know by now that she was saying good morning and thank you.
The usual stillness lingered as Sofila was still waking up, and then she raised her head. Her hair looked almost like a nest as she rested her face on her hand.
“You brought up about an island last night,” Sofila started as she stabbed an egg with her fork.
“I didn’t know the island we went to would induce such nightmares…” she chuckled sheepishly.
Cole paused as he grabbed his own plate, frowning and vaguely recollecting the conversation. It took a moment, retracing mental steps of what had occurred and eventually landing on it. Hadn’t he only said that in his head? Or… No wait she responded. And remembered.
Frack.
He sat down at the table, “It wasn’t the island we went to.”
He didn’t want to say more. It was classified, was the best reason. It had scared him, was the less good reason. Not wanting to admit Anderson had almost gotten him killed was the stupidest reason to not tell her. Ultimately, Sofila could conceal details. So long as he didn’t speak on certain topics from that day, it would be legally and morally fine. It was just his own discomfort. Which well, didn’t matter but it did matter but which favor of mattering… mattered?
“My mission a few months ago, when I was gone for a few days and came back… worse for wear than usual with this job? That was on an… island. There was a thunderstorm while I was there as well as it being a intense combat.”
Sofila listened as she tried to remember what day he was talking about. There was a moment of silence while she ate. An obvious buffering symbol above her head.
“Oh! The one you can’t really talk to me about?” Sofila had remembered two occasions of that so far. She knew it would come with his job and assumed that was going to be the case. Thankfully, it was only two so far because it would have driven her insane.
Cole nodded.
“Yeah. It was.. bad.” There. Valid summary. He still lingered between telling her or not. He should and shouldnt. He poked at a piece of food before picking it up to eat, not quite frowning but a serious look on his face. “Force users. The storm.”
Sofila stayed quiet. She didn’t want to ask questions and then be told that it was a need-to-know basis.
“Oh,” Sofila winced. Yeah, if they had to, they could fight in a storm, but they would much rather not. And Force Users?
“Force Users… you did have a Force User with you to help you with that?” She knew it wasn’t impossible for a non-Force User to take down a Force User, but it would’ve been difficult, if not a pain in the ass. And he said users, indicating there was more than one, which would’ve made it much more difficult.
“I did. They weren’t as reliable as I’d like. But we saved each other’s asses a few times and got off the island alive. We just…” Cole hesistated, frowning.
They hadn’t needed to go there. To kill any of them. It was purely Anderson’s paranoia and ironically what he did is far more likely to cause exactly what he was seeking to avoid. It was rare for Cole to feel like he’d committed entirely needless murder. Even if he regretted some of the lives he took he could link a reason to it, however minor, that was still valid at least from the perspective at the time. But this time?
He’d asked no questions. Investigated nothing. He had taken a job from an untrustworthy source and followed orders almost entirely blindly. And then had killed an entire group of Jedi senselessly. Murdered.
Cole realised he’d been staring perhaps a bit too long, forcibly eating another bite of food and ignoring the sudden complete lack of appetite.
“It wasn’t necessary.” Was what he eventually broke the silence with. It was spoken calmly, metered, careful, as Cole ever was.
Sofila had a puzzled look on her face. She wanted to ask for more, but- why was Cole spilling all this if she wasn’t supposed to know about this?
It was almost unfair! After some considerations, she decided to take a shot. He could just inform her that he can’t say anything else but it was evidence it was bothering him.
“What wasn’t necessary? The mission?” Sofila asked. Sometimes they would be sent to missions they deem unnecessary and Sofila had gotten used to the thought that it was just the way of being a solider. They had more freedom in Kasiya then they did in Selen but… it lingered.
Cole nodded. How much could he say without Anderson losing his mind? Hah. Let’s be real, this had already been too much spoken. But who was going to tell Anders? The idiot should’ve thought through his own damn plans. Argh!
“The mission. The people we killed dying. If I’d have asked and recieved the full context I would not have agreed to the job.” A tinge of annoyance added to this tone, though it didn’t fully undercut the fact that this had shaken him. “It wasn’t… just random Force Users Sof. Or Sith cultists like when we fought Scimitar. I’m not sure if I can.. say more than that.” He looked at her, hoping she’d identify the third group he didn’t mention.
Loopholes.
Sofila grimaced at the fact that he wouldn’t have taken it if he knew about it. What could have been so bad? No wonder his nightmare hit hard last night. Force Users? So can’t be Sith, Jedi, or-
Then he kept staring at her specifically.
She squinted at him, obviously confused.
“… Jedis?”
Cole offered a very small nod, breaking eye contact to continue eating. He couldn’t say that but if she happened to work it out… Loophole. Probably.
“Who ordered you to do this?”
Cole didnt glance up again.
“I can’t answer that.”
His voice was quiet, but it was his usual tone when it came to business. Borderline robotic.
“What the fu-” She yelped in not pain but frustration when her knee hit the table. Being tall enough and if she moved too fast, it happens now and then. She then removed herself from the chair, “Who ordered it?! You can’t just say that and tell me I’m not suppose to know and-” Her fists were tightly clenched they were becoming pale green and she was doing all she can not to go complete berserk and break a furniture.
Maybe two.
He didnt react. Probably should. Uh. Cole wondered what reaction would be appropriate and then realised it was likely too late to be genuine by now.
idiot
The internal voice didnt shut up, but he did his best to ignore it as he tried to think of how to.. progress this at all. Saying dont break a chair, that it was expnesive, bad. Very bad. No. A part of him wanted to tell her everything and the entire rest of him was screaming that Anderson was a karking mind reader. He didnt fear the man but itd risk his position whcih he actually liked most of the time.
“I shouldn’t have said anything.” He muttered, not angry at Sofila but at himself. He could have avoided this whole thing and shed not be bothered- but he felt bad-
pathetic
Sofila gave him a look that almost said, ‘you think!?’ But she caught herself. She was angry that he pulled this karking shit kisk she understood at the same time. It was weighing heavily on him, and he had no one to talk to about it.
Not like telling her was going to help any.
Did it?
“I need a moment,” Sofila said as she started to head out to go for a run.
Cole looked up as she left the room, frowning to himself before easing the expression away. He continued to eat as she got ready and headed out, the strange tightness in his chest increasing after the door closed.
The sensation of not quite being in the room anymore despite being there had been something happening more often. Less… severe than his original memories of it but, uncomfortable. He hadn’t brought it up in therapy yet because… well. How do you explain such a thing. It sounded stupid. Insane. He wasn’t crazy. Or- well.
He put the dishes away to be dealt with later, standing over them. Staring for a moment before heading into the bedroom to get dressed for work. Cole had planned to go in a little later anyway, it was fine. Sofila forgave fast, it’d be ok. Probably. Frack. Why had he told her? It achieved nothing? Getting it “off his chest” had just, what, admitted to murdering Jedi to a karking force user who respected the damn Jedi. Great idea Cole! So he’d feel less bad for being the perfect soldier again. It was what he was best at so why- Why-
Cole sat down on the bed, buttoning his shirt up. He didn’t particularly recall dressing the rest of himself but, hey, nothing was creased. It’s fine. Peeerfectly fine.
He drifted through the morning in much the same way. Somehow, he still had everything he needed when he focussed in on his check in pats before walking out the front door, locking it.
By the time he got to the OSI HQ, he could switch into the familiar rhythm. A few meetings to establish progress on cases, working with the agents to get updates, updating his own tracking and other generic management tasks. Schedules, over time and time off requests for the second tier folks… lots of little details. Good to focus on and distract. Ignore the problems eating away at his soul, as he always had. He was careful, reserved but he usually was wasn’t he?
Then one of the agents entered his office off schedule with a concerned look on his face.
Cole placed down his datapad, and raised an eyebrow.
“Sir.”
“Lewit. What can I do for you?”
Lewit hesitated, just enough to warn of something before speaking, “Just checking in, are you… well sir?”
“What?” Cole ran through his memory of the day. When did he screw up? He’d barely…
“You just seem off. I’m sorry if I-” Lewit had taken on an almost… embarrassed expression. What.
“It’s.. fine. And so am I.”
liar
“Okay. Well, glad to hear it sir.”
Lewit smiled, awkwardly, and stepped back out of his office.
Cole resisted any visible reaction, picking his datapad back up and trying to start where he stopped but… why? How? Was he being so obvious they just had to ask? Testing him for signs of… no. That- It may have been genuine. These people weren’t monsters.
The rest of the day passed without incident.
Having started late, Cole stayed a little later too, only him and a couple of others remaining later into the day. He left before them, seeing them nod to him as he passed by when it finally came time to go home.
Sofila would be calm by now. He should be too. Just… glide over it. Everything is fine, dont worry about it. Chin up eyes forward.
Dinner was done and in the oven.
By dinner, of course, it was a frozen dinner that she could put in the oven. While her cooking skills will never be on par with Cole, it was still a bit dangerous for her to cook on her own.
If it were one simple meal, she could do it. If many things at once, that’s when trouble starts. Which was a shame, cause she was craving fajitas. She was still aggravated with the fact that he would never tell her anything more, and more importantly, who the kark gave that order.
Ood? Wade? Can’t be Anders, he’s supposed to be hands-off of Taldrya.
She air-quoted to herself in the quiet living room, “Supposedly,” The Mirialan grumbled. She didn’t know anything about Ood and Wade, save for the one time she had to give a report when she was sent on a rescue mission for a colony. Who else was there….
The lock clicked, and Cole stepped into the apartment. And Sofila was pacing. He glanced around, checking over the apartment in general as he locked the front door back up and took his shoes off.
He still had the guise up, of calm and confident and he maintained it. Bag down, coat off, check on the oven. Everything was good. Good.
He’d managed to avoid direct eye contact to this point, but found himself forcing it to offer her a small smile and hopefully defuse or distract from any situation before it occurred.
Sofila turned to see Cole and gave him room to breathe and settle in.
Then, “Dinner’s ready. I also heated up some garlic bread,” she grinned. She made her way into the kitchen and retrieved the lasagna along with the garlic bread.
“How was your day?”
He’d puttered around, changing his shirt and removing his pistol and knife from his belt in the bedroom before returning to the kitchen.
“It smells great.” Cole commented, watching her with a more genuine small smile and getting out of her way.
“Average. No more cases of our favourite client getting loud with the agents, so, I believe I finally resolved that.”
“Eheheh, being loud is bad?” Sofila joked as she prepared the plate and set it down.
“Fair though, there’s different kinds of loud. There’s Karen and there’s well, me! Oooh, we should call loud fun people Sofila! Like how there’s Chad, and Karen, and …” Her brows furrowed as she tried to think of other examples of names becoming in xexe.
Cole rolled his eyes ever so slightly, getting the joke though and sitting at the table with her.
“Theres loud and then theres that nonsense. You should have heard the way he was speaking to the agent.” Cole shook his head, “No problems since I intervened at least.”
“That is good.” Sofila grinned although she didn’t start eating yet. Instead, she was poking the pasta with her fork.
“I- I’m sorry for earlier, Cole. It was just…” Sofila frowned and then sighed. “I don’t know what you want from me when you tell me this. It’s… it’s a problem I can’t fix, you know? Or even know more of.” She paused for a moment. “But I also realized it’s been weighing on you heavily and I don’t want you to feel like you can’t tell me anything. I’d rather you find someone else but…” She looked at him with her pink eyes and a small smile.
“If you would rather… tell me, well, as much as you can, that is, I can do my best to learn how to listen.”
And there it was. Shouldn’t have said a damn word. Why had he told her? There was nothing she could do, him being uncomfortable about it was a consequence of him being a fracking idiot. Again and again.
He didn’t quite meet her gaze, looking enough to see the smile but not that far. Maintain. Look away. Think. Fix.
A liars smile started to form and then dropped back to neutrality.
“I shouldn’t have bothered you with it.” He eventually said, “I don’t know what I wanted to happen. It wasn’t fair.”
Well. In a way he did, trying to “be better”, to communicate more like the therapist suggested. To hide things less like Sofila had been fighting him to do but… Spending all day thinking about how it both pulled her too close and pushed away. It wasnt fair. It wasnt.
“I just need to be careful, going forward. That’s all there is to it.”
“No no,” Sofila frowned. “It’s okay, I figured you just… really needed to talk about it. That might’ve been why. I don’t want you to feel stuck or bottle up, Cole, ” she had concerned expression on her face.
No? But… She.
Cole realised he was starting to bite his lower lip, releasing it and taking a bite of food. He forced himself to look logically at the situation, placing the shoes on the others feet. As if he hadnt been, but frack.
When he started to speak, it was slow at first, watching the doorway out of the corner of his eyes. “I don’t know how to talk about this stuff and while I could tell the therapist, its stupid to ask for him to make me feel better about murdering a bunch of people. Again. But this time I feel bad.”
An almost mocking note entered his voice, aggravation fuelling it before he sighed. Push it down. He scratched his beard, “Nothing used to phase me.”
“…. You need a new therapist,” Sofila grumbled.
“And this… person that gave you that order, are you able to deny anything else from them again?”
Sofila looked at him, a bit shocked but gave him a small smile. She always had big emotions so she couldn’t imagine being able to close that off but that couldn’t be good either.
“And do you miss that?” She asked out of pure curiosity, wondering if this change really was… best for Cole if he dreaded to be phased by things now.
Cole frowned visibly at the notion of new therapist. It had taken him long enough to even start opening up to this one and he was.. fine. It was just a logical conclusion. Or something. Sofila ran through a couple more questions, giving enough time that he could eat a few more bites of food. His appetite had gone but, bite by bite he could muster his way through it.
“I have enough control to deny one on one assistance missions. I will also be doing far more thorough research before accepting anything again. It was foolish to not… do more in the first place.” His voice took on a dark tone, opting to answer the easier question of the two first.
His first instinct was to say absolutely. Of course he missed not being phased! He could walk through a building of corpses and not even hesitate to burst the head of any that made the mistake of moving. Someone made a comment toward him about his family? They were either ignored or dead. No one knew what he was thinking, they feared him. They. Feared him.
Cole sat there, thinking, for longer than he should have been he realised. He’d also been staring, at some his gaze ending up on Sofila. How long had he been staring. Kist. Frack- He blinked, his eyes kind of dry and looking away. Cole cleared his throat, sitting up a little straighter, “Sorry. I don’t know. It’s fine.”
Sofila was glad that he was not going to do the similar missions again. She was scared that they would go backwards.
She knew its part of life and healing. Can’t always be a straightforward path.
Still.. going backwards, for either of them, sucks and she just wished it didn’t exist.
“It’s… okay.” Sofila smiled softly as she poked the food again but then finally took a bite. Might as well eat.
Cole returned the smile weakly, focusing on the food. It didn’t feel okay, but the lack of pressure to keep talking was a relief. Every step back felt like so many more put in front of him…
But he had to keep climbing. For her. For himself, who had at some point in his life ended up low on that ladder.
He ate, quiet and contemplative. He didnt speak again until after theyd finished eating, gathering dishes into the washer and leftovers into the fridge.
“I miss the strength of not being phased. I don’t miss the cost. No one knew me other than Graham and Zuza, neither of which I had a choice in.” He paused, considering for a moment, “I felt safer when people feared me. I had less to lose. Graham attended funerals for other people.”
He never did. He tried to think of one but none came to mind.
“There was a running theory I was actually a droid.” He added on with a short, dry chuckle. Uncomfortable now, with that all in the air.
Right as the fridge closed, Sofila was already pondering what holofilm they could watch. Maybe they can watch different things tonight.
Then she glanced to Cole when he started talking to show that she was paying attention and was taken almost out of left field for that.
“Oh,” Sofila paused for a moment. She really was trying to think before she talks now. If only she can bash Trevor’s face in- Karking- Fracking- Son of a-
“That.. makes sense. With everything that happened to you. I…” She frowned for a moment. While she had killed, it was a very rapid moment. It’s completely different when you see the life leave their eyes. She had never really seen anyone died in such a horrible or slow way and it was why when she found out that Wulfram had…
She cleared her throat to push those thoughts away. It wasn’t about her right now.
“That would be interesting- if you were a droid, I imagine there would’ve been different… settings.” She gave him a knowing smirk and waggle of her eyebrows in a bad timing attempt of cheering him up.
Cole very clearly had not expected that. After a day of somber focus, spiraling down through anxiety and finally relaxing somewhat now theyd had the chance to talk, it was a complete 180.
He laughed, a short thing that Cole even didnt expect. He looked over his shoulder, confused amusement across his face before shaking his head, “You haven’t complained yet. I dont think youd walk the next day if I could do that.”
Sofila started to laugh with Cole. It was nice to hear his laugh and for some reason, it makes her want to laugh alongside with him.
Sofila grinned mischievously, “Oh? Was I suppose to complain?” She cleared her throat dramatically.
“Woe! Woe is meeee!”
Cole turned, putting his back to the counter and facing her. No, this didnt fix anything but, her grins and games were always a good patch in the mean time.
“Well theres always ordering in if youre so disheartened Miss Armis.” His eyes held a challenge.
Sofila puffed her cheeks as she squinted at Cole.
“What?” She considered it for a moment and then became concerned. That would be too much power for Cole. Especially when he had easily flip the tables on her and it was infuriating as suns. She had never worked out that much in her life.
Then she decided to be cheesy.
“Mr. Farrow, I would just order you all over again.” She gave him the biggest cheesiest grin ever.
Cole crossed the space, wrapping his arms arojnd her waist and looking up at her.
It was cheesy but dammit it worked. He melted, expression softening as he leaned up and simply kissed her.