Doon was fine.
It’s what he told everyone, himself included.
It was fine that he had stepped down. The last however many years of busy work was fine. Being alone was fine. The constant solo training was fine. The nightmares were fine. His lung was fine. No more Bantha steak available today, try again tomorrow? That’s fine. The small empty room he was given was fine. The crystal figurine Kathka had gifted him that he dropped while moving in? That too, even sitting at the bottom of a waste bin in infinitely small shards, was fine.
It had to be. Or that weight would find him. That dark shadow that followed his thoughts as surely as his own. That dry, aching pain that throbs away at an old wound long after it should have stopped hurting. The guilt. The shame. The.. absence. It lurked. A yawning void ready to snap up his thoughts, to drain the strength from his arms, to bring back that sharp pain inside.
Every day was harder than the last. To wake up. To focus. To follow the schedule. To stay present in the now, and not drift further and further back, slipping closer and closer to that indifference that haunted him. It was one of the few things he truly feared. What if it wasn’t something else, something external? What if his sense was just catching glimpses of him.
The thought was a common one. And it was what he dwelled on, sitting on the edge of his bed. His massive head hung, breathing slow. The once closed eye opened as something other than the dark maw entered his conscious awareness. Someone was approaching his door. He shouldn’t know that. But he did. The dark pit whispered it, and it was often right.
It had been 4 days since Zuza officially retired as Consul. It had been 3 days since she’d gotten out of hospital, Anders’ insistence on her staying there hadn’t worked for her entire stay, still stumbling on her discharge but stable enough the nurses not to call for help containing her. Just over 2 days had passed since her ship left Selen without as much as a peep from the Human. It was late when her ship docked to the Voidbreaker II.
She’d found Zig, hugged and left Frond with her before disappearing into the depths of the ships. Hours later, Zuza still had too much energy. It felt like her soul was going to jump out of her skin. Like the energy was bleeding out of every pore, and if she didn’t move didn’t speak *didn’t *something it was going to pour so far out it could never be retrieved again.
Nothing felt like it was working but even Zig had lines of worry in her face and she couldn’t stand it. Everyone was worried or telling her to rest or asking if she was ok. Am I okay, are you ok, are you sure you’re ok to be out yet?
Doon was an old friend.
Her feet took her to his door, knocking on it in a rare moment of remembering such things these days. She’d terrified Diy when she went to tell her that she needed to quit. It had been late and Zuza had woken the Proconsul up with her entry.
Knock knock knock…
Then a smaller thump, as Zuza’s forehead impacted the cold metal.
The door slid open almost immediately after her forehead bumped into it. Doon stood behind it, wearing only shorts as was often his casual wear if not acting in any important business. The one eyed wolf gazed down her, some concern alite in his eye. His ear was fully laid against his head and his tail hung. He looked the small woman over, briefly checking for any bruises or wounds before slowly stepping back. He gave her access past him to the inside of his room, knowing without speaking what she needed and the hallway was not a comforting place.
The inside of his room was in a liminal state. Many boxes had been unpacked and flattened in a lazy stack, their contents decorating a series of shelves, counters, and dresser tops. Most of them seemed to be trinkets, small handmade icons or symbols from various cultures around the galaxy. In one corner was a box that held an instrument. Even recently placed, the aged container appeared unopened and little used. One part of the wall was dedicated to his armor, each plate and strap laid out neatly, the entire ensemble looked like something was dissected and pinned there. Next to it was an array of weapons. Mostly blades of varying shapes and sizes, again many appeared to be collected from cultures that revered them.
His desk was empty save a data pad and a neatly stack pile of data sticks. Information he was allowed to keep after leaving his position as aedile. Atop the desk was also a small crystal holder that bore the scrapped together lightsaber hilt Kathka had gifted him years ago. It was recently cleaned, but empty. The cracked crystal that made it function was resting on its own wooden pedestal. His room smelled clean, with some hints of incense and cigar smoke. Aromatic therapies that he partook in, with the aim to smell properly.
His massive paw gestured, welcoming Zuza inside silently.
Zuza stumbled forward, head bumping into Doon’s chest but she quickly backpedaled, a sheepish smile snapping into place across her face. She stepped inside at Doon’s silent offer, careful and taking in the space. Ending up awkwardly stood in the middle. Why was she here, exactly? Who karking knew but it had been ages. Her shoulders relaxed a smidge.
It was ironic, that in trying to escape being asked if she was ok that the first question on Zuza’s lips was to ask exactly that.
It took a minute to think of something else to say, fiddling with the sleeves of her jacket, “We never had that drinking rematch did we?”
The door slid shut with its usual whirr. Doon slowly turned, facing Zuza’s while she stood in the middle of the room, fiddling with her sleeves. He frowned slightly, there was no need to rely on extra senses to take in the state she was in. Then, he figured he wasn’t too far off from a similar state. He exhaled a breath, one he was holding longer than he realized. “No. We have both been.. preoccupied. You, much more so than I.”
He stepped away from the door, his gaze shifting from her to his shelf of things. If only to give her some additional space as he stood a stride away. Like usual, he was hunched forward, shoulders raised. His head was slightly bowed, and his paws hung idly at his sides, but twitched slightly as he considered what to do with them. Another long breath was exhaled after an equivalent inhale. He was breathing slowly, whether or not on purpose, in a sort of meditative pattern.
There wasn’t much speaking that he knew would be useful here. At least - none that he himself would appreciate. So he stood silently, occasionally glancing towards but not at her. “There.. should be a spring festival soon. I think.”
“Maybe. I wouldn’t know, honestly.” She admitted, a waver to her voice. Zuza turned her head toward him, blinking a few times. “I’m sorry, for that. That I couldn’t keep up.”
A hand rose, face turning away and taking a few steps out of the middle of the room. Closer to the desk, not sitting or leaning but standing close enough either was plausible.
“It’s about that time of year. It’d be fun to go, again. I don’t think I’ve been to one normally since we did. Or well, since we met there. Four years now isn’t it? It took like two or three before the mark you left me faded off under my freckles.” She laughed, still avoiding his eye. Her breathing was far from the calm Doon seemed to exude. Not quite erratic but off. “I miss… all of that.”
He nodded solemnly, eyes boring into the floor. Another time, another situation, he might have joked about the comment she made on the scar, or the idea of them going back to celebrate another one. But now, there was no time for that. And there likely would not be a place for that between the two of them for the foreseeable future.
His ear twitched. “Yes.. there Is a lot that I miss.” His words came slow, exhaled in an almost mournful manner.
He sat on the edge of his bed, the whole thing shifting and creaking under him as he settled. His eye finally raised to inspect her, watching her body language. He did not need to, to sense her feelings. He could do that on instinct now. But it still felt.. wrong to, especially when she stood infront of him. If he could do it himself, he should.
<@1382824894877794314>
Zuza was usually one who kept a smile on. Energy was endless around her, a bright sun in the midst of any situation she found herself within.
Today, her shoulders slumped, her chin dipped as brown eyes gazed over the room rather than meeting Doon’s. The smile was still there but smaller. Everything was smaller. Physically, to an extent, for as long as it had been for them the fact shed lost weight was still discernible.
“I’m.. leaving. I don’t know where yet. I dont want to lose touch with you again though.” Zuza’s fingers traced slivery lines that trailed almost invisbily up her arms.
Doon gazed at her, noting her features, recalling what he could of their first encounter and the differences between then and now. He was silent for a few breaths, but a rumble slowly gave way to speech. “I think… I am as well. I’ve been… looked at. For commanding a team in another clan.”
He frowned slightly as his eyes settled on her thin arms. He raised a paw towards her, padded palm upwards. “You need meat.”
“Well kist. Maybe you’ll have a better time wrangling them there.” Zuza commented, ignoring the direction his eyes took yet still not seeming surprised at the comment.
A smile crossed her lips.
“I’m fine. Or I will be, always am. Just like you will be, I mean, getting sought out is a big deal. Which clan?”
After a few moments, his paw dropped to his leg. He leaned back slightly, eye drifting from Zuza to the wall across the room. He seemed to take a breath, centering himself before speaking. “Odan-Urr.” His gravely voice wavers for a moment, despite the effort he took to steady it.
His paw curled into a slight fist, then opened. He flexed it a few times, watching the way muscles shifted in his forearm under his fur.
Zuza watched, tilting her head, “Well frack. Not going too far at least, ill be able to find you easy enough around there. It might suit you better, folks who’ll listen proper.” She chuckled, bouncing slightly on the balls of her feet. “Nervous?”
He gently clicked his claws together, rumbling under his breath. He took a moment to respond, eye flicking up to her for a moment before lowering to a nearby shelf.
“They made me an offer. Want to make me Knight-Commander.” His jaw shut and clenched with snap of his teeth. He didn’t want to answer the question she asked. But he felt he didn’t need to, either.
He didn’t, really. Zuza was more than adept at the reading of emotions, the tiny twitches and shifts that indicated what was beneath the surface. It was one of the few things that reminded her she wasn’t as dumb as she played herself off to be usually.
She crossed over to Doon, placing a hand on his elbow and giving it a squeeze.
“It suits ya. And if they’re offering it, then they know who they’re talking about. Though I’ll stick to Mr Soft Paws when it comes to titles. That won’t change ever.”
He let out a somewhat amused huff, his eye closing. He straightened his back, tempted to lay down entirely if it didn’t seem rude to keep Zuza standing. “Knight Commander Soft Paw. That would be.. interesting.” He mused softly.
Eventually his eye opened and a sigh escaped him. “There are many…” he drifted, tongue rolling between his teeth as he considered how to word the cautious dark that had ebbed at his mind. “It may be.. useful. To see a temple. A Jedi” he said the word somewhat strangely.
Zuza nodded slowly. Since her abilities had awakened, shed been able to feel it within others.
She could sense it within Doon.
“That makes sense. And them lot over there, they know what theyre doin’.”
She bounced slightly in place, “Im just gonna pick a direction and fly I reckon. I won’t go too far, not for very long at least but… enough.”
“Good.” He softly mused, looking up towards her from his sitting position. “Travel. See what you have not. See what you begin to yearn for. And if you do not feel that ache, you have all that you want already.”
He nodded slowly, not sure which one of them the words were meant for.
“I trust you will stay safe? And not act with reckless abandon?” His gold eye simmered as he watched her.
Zuza smiled sheepishly, tilting her head.
“You can trust me to always come back one piece. Which, requires a bit of those two things. Which, is all I could ask of you too. I doubt being a Knight Commander comes without its risks.” Her shoulders relaxed as she spoke, the exhaustion still visible in her eyes but relief overtaking it for now.
“I should get going to Zig. I’ve probably made her more worried today than she already was.”
Doon nodded, and after a moment gestured to the door. “Get rest. Take care of yourself. I am sure… we will speak soon.”